Stats request 101: How to Steal from Supermarket.

So, alot of you are looking for tips on how to steal from supermarkets. Thankfully, Supermarket Ninja is here to kick some shit into you.

First off, let me get this out of the way. When you steal, weather its from a big Multi-National, or a Mum and Dad store, you are not only "sticking it to the man", but you are really stealing from people like you and me. The employees who make a living from the small pay packets that the fat cats in Capital City hand out. Sure, some retailers have insurance and shit, but the more you steal, the more the insurance pays out, and thus the more the insurance costs the company, and then the more shit costs to cover the cost of the insurance. For those that don't have insurance on their stock (idiots), they increase the cost to recover the cost of the lost stock.

So you might think you are king shit for stealing. In reality, you are causing little Sally to go without because her mummy can afford to put food on the table because Trevor from Sunshine thinks its good to steal from her mummy's work.

Now, onto the guide. How to steal in a couple of quick easy steps...

Step one. Get a knife, because you will look hardcore with a knife.
Step two. Slice your wrists open with the knife.
Step three. Bleed out and die. You are a blight on society, and should be glad that I am not killing you. One less cunt in the world is a good thing. If you work in a gang, you should perform step two on them first. However, you should stab them in the heart.

I also don't care for your children either. Kill them. They will probably grow up and be a strain on the system too.

I google for supermaket specials and all I get is this stupid site.

That is because YOU are stupid.

Don't worry, Supermarket Ninja is here to help the idiots of the world, and if you got here cause you want a Woolworths/Safeway/Coles/Liquorland catalog, then you are too stupid to go to that retailers website to obtain one.

Fucking idiot. You should jump in front of a car now.

No don't, you will cause the poor sucker that hits you too much paper work, and I don't want them to suffer.

So rather than killing yourself and passing you stupid values and experiences on to offspring, I am going to teach you how to use the internet.

Internet 101

You want a Safeway catalog, because you have a sign on your mailbox that says you don't want junk mail. Well you would go to google.com.au and search for "Safeway Catalog". Then you look for the link to woolworths.com.au and there you have it.

But I take it that is too hard for you still. So I will do the fucking hard work for you.

Woolworths, Safeway, and their Liquor department specials can be found here - http://www.woolworths.com.au/weeklyspecials/

To use, select the state you are in, and what store is closest to you.

For Coles and Liquorland, you can goto http://www.coles.com.au/about/catalogues/.

You can search by suburb or postcode.

And now the hot tip.

Hot Tip

If you are one of the many idiots that have a "No Junk Mail" sign on your mailbox, but still want a catalog every week, then did you know Woolworths and Safeway have a catalog request form?

Well they do, this can be used to get a catalog sent to you everyweek. Or in the case that you don't have a sign on your mailbox, and you havn't got a catalog in weeks, then you can use the same form to inform Head Office that you havn't been getting one, and they will chase it up (plus you can add yourself to the mailing list if you are anal).

These forms can be obtained from the Customer Service Desk. Also while you are there, pick up the current weeks catalog (normally in stock on Monday and may not last till Tuesday.)

I would like to say that Coles has a similar form. You could ask at their Customer Service desk. But cause Coles cant do anything right, I highly doubt it. But try anyway. Couldn't hurt.

You want service? Serve yourself!

Hey! Supermarket Ninja here. Thought I would come out of the forest that is Woolworths and do a post on the new happenings.

First off, a lot of Stores are getting a upgrade. Actually, upgrades.

You see, the old "Green" look is being phased out, and a more "earthy" tone is coming in. As a result things will be changing for the lucky stores that get selected for the upgrades.

The first thing you will notice in a "new" store is the grey coloured walls. The floor will have new tiles (some stores, only the outside edge gets new tiles).

Produce gets new desplays, Bakery joins in on the fun too. Some stores will even loose the bakery. Deli, gets a few upgrades too, with a "express" service feature. Plus you too can join in on the fun down the aisles!

There are groups of employees going store to store moving products about, for that would apear to be no real reason at all.

Now, I am glad I don't have to hear one more customer complain about the moves, but I feel sorry to the guys that are doing them.

So here is the first 101 for todays post.

Upgrade 101

"Why are you moving everything?"

Hopfully everyone that will ask that question, or something like that will read this before they ask it.

The simple answer is to bring all the stores back into line. A kind of standard layout so to speak. The idea is that you shop at one Woolworths, but say you go elsewhere. You don't want to be lost. You can enter the other store and say "Oh this looks like my normal store, I think I can find the tampons without too much hassle."

And you should.

All stores has a similar layout, but the years between "upgrades" is the period where they fall out of line. Still, things should be in some logical order.

Think of it this way. If you can imagine a "heat scale". 0 is cold (or blue), 10 is hot (or red) and between 0 and 10 the colour changes from blue to red. Now apply this to your Woolworths. Blue is produce, Red is Hygeine.in the middle you have purple. This is the household area, the blue side is crap like plates, knives and forks, the red side is chemicals. Shit like Fly Spray, weed killer, That kind of crap.

The idea is you enter a store close to the produce department, then shop to the other end of the store via the blue aisles to the red. Items go into your trolley in a similar fashion, then get loaded up on to the register in reverse fashion so that like products get bagged correctly. That is, no bottles of bleach in with your apples.

That is the ideal world, but it doesn't fucking happen, and the blame can be partly put on the fucking customer.

So the moving of products in a store, brings them back into this hot/cold ideal. That said, the ideal is also in a state of flux as what is good for first 10 stores might not be good for the next 10, and so on.

So you are fucking pissed off at the moves. There is no point in telling the staff that are doing the moves.

You might fucking think you are the only one to ask why they are doing it, or mention that it looks like hard work. I have news for you. You are not the first, and you will not be the last. I would hate to be one of them as they get it all the fucking time. Same smart arse comments, same stupid questions, day in, day out.

Just leave them alone, let them get their job done so they can piss off to a new store, and direct your questions and queries to the fucking Customer Service Desk. That is why it is fucking there.

Now talking about the Service area, some lucky stores are getting new registers. I personally don't like the express lane. Firstly, splitting the line up into 4 smaller lines sucks, but having the backs of the checkout chicks exposed to any nutter is a OH&S issue waiting to happen. Hell, the fucking tills are now fully exposed to anyone that want to do a snatch and grab. Shame Woolworths, Shame.

No wonder the shares are droping. Shareholders are sure that you can protect their money anymore.

The luckier stores are also getting self serve terminals.

Now, let me just say this. If you are fucking going to use one. Be quick, cause I am fucking sick of having to wait for one fucking cunt to take their time with a small basket of goods.

Here are some tips for self serve.

1 - Do not take a trolley through. The bag rack is actually a scale, so when you remove a bag, you ruin the weight of all the items in it. The system needs to be reset.

2 - You can take through produce items. Place them on the "scanner", as it is a scale. Then press the look-up button. If it is a apple, press "A" then look up the correct apple.

3 - Place the item you scaned into the bagging area. You don't want a bag? Still put it in the area, but not in the bag. Remember it is a scale, and if it have the corrent total weight that should be there, the system will lockup. You know, incase you want to steal something, but you want to scan something cheaper like a packet of gum.

News flash, every product has a standard weight, if after you scan something and the bag rack doesnt sence the new weight, then it might think you are stealing something.

4 - You can withdraw cash without buying anything! Want $4? You can get it. It is like a ATM, but better.

Anyway, I thought I had more anger for this post, but I don't. So fuck off. Before I go, I would like you all to remember to be nice to your supermarket worker. They get the same fucking shit day in, day out. Sure they could get another job, for some, it is their other job. Their are items there to help you. Look up sometimes, you don't even need to bother a empolyee again.

If you HAVE to, try not to me fucking rude. If they look busy, find one that isn't. Failing that, go to the fucking service desk you cunts.

Ahh sweet anger.

The Ninja is visiting YOUR store today!

Back from a well deserved break, the Ninja is back, kicking in the heads of Australia's idiot consumers.

Now, today, I bring to you, my rant on price changes. It is reported today that 32 percent of 282 Supermarkets and Grocers in Queensland were fined for over charging the consumer, or more to the point, over charging The Office of Fair Traiding.

Now, I am all for dishing out fines for businesses that knowingly, and willingly rip-off the customer, but what makes me a un-happy camper is when the customer attacks a business for a honest mistake, even if the gets them the item for free.

Toby Tortoise of Melbourne writes:

The Supermarket Scanning Code of Practice is a voluntary code, not a law. Bilo, Coles, Woolies and Franklins all agreed to it, and it is good business to them if it attracts customers from other retailers. If I remember correctly, they will give you one item free if it scans higher than the shelf price, and if you have a lot of them you get the rest at the correct price.

Posted at 2:45pm today

Now this is true, the code is voluntary. If you go into, say a IGA, or a corner store, and you are over charged, fuck you are unlucky. Don't shop there again. When I mean over chaged, I mean by the ticketed price, not what you want the item for. If you go into Woolworths, or Coles, you will get the first item for free, and the others with the same barcode at the "cheaper" price.

As I like to say, shop with your brain, then your feet. Clearly if you are paying too much for 600ml of Coke at a Mum and Dad store, then you are either doing that to support the small business, or you are so stupid, you have a manual on how to breath in your purse.

Talking about idiots, read what this asshole said.

Jay of Sydney writes:

Apart from price rip-off, some supermarkets try to confuse shoppers by not indicating if a price flag on the aisle is for an item above or below. Because of this some shoppers may end up purchasing more expensive item then what they intended to. Often you come across price tabs missing or put in the wrong place. All this may cost extra dollars for shoopers at the checkout. Sometimes the electronic price display at the checkout is not turned towards customers, so shoppers may not know what price the machine hsa scanned. Also supermarkets take advantage of shoppers' impatience to spend additional time standing in the queue. While shoppers may tend to spend lots of time choosing products, they usually dislike spending time in the queue, so they pay whatever the checkout operator says and get out as quickly as possible. Which is probabaly what supermarkets want.

Posted at 2:49pm today

WHAT THE FUCK? You can't work out if the "tab" is for the item above or below it? I bet you need instructions on how to live every day. FUCK.

It is pretty simple really. So FUCKING simple that I will make it today's 101.

101

This shopping is to hard, I don't know if this price is for the item above or below it.

Step 1: Read the fucking ticket. At Woolworths, this contains the NAME of the item, and its PRICE (there are some other numbers and a barcode, but these are for our internal systems. The barcode on the price ticket WILL NOT scan at the registers.)

Step 2: Look above or below the price. If the ticket says "Heinz Baked Beans 110g $4.99" and the fucking item is below the ticket, then HORRAY YOU FOUND IT! How ever, this could be the 400g can. Which takes me to..

Step 3: Read the fucking product label. If the product below says that it is "Heinz Baked Beans" but the size is different, and nowhere on the lable it says you get a bonus amount for free, then it is not the ITEM BELOW. Look above, and if that then matches. HOORAY! Go sign up for NASA fucktard! You will find that in most supermarkets the price is below the item.

OR THE PRICE IS ATTACHED TO THE PHYSICAL SHELF THAT THE ITEM IS SITTING ON. That means if the price isn't touching the shelf, then its not that products price.

Simple.

Sadly, I fear that there will always be idiots like this Jay character that basically needs to pick up a shopping assistant when they pick up a trolley.

Gift Cards 101

Hello again, it's your old pal Supermarket Ninja here again with a new 101 for you all.

We have all seen them, and shops that are dedicated to selling them are poping up. Hell you can walk into a Post Office these days and buy them. Im talking about Gift Cards. The peice of plastic that has replaced the paper Gift Voucher from days of old.

Now why is there a need for a 101 on how to use a gift card? THe answer is simple really. People are stupid.

First off, the cards are empty, they have no money on them when they are hanging up in a store. Would retailers be stupid to have money hanging up around a store? No. I see people stealing these cards all the time, thinking that they are taking "free" money. Fucking idiots.

Story Time.

This fucking bogan lady, who looked fucking bogan, dress in all Holden Gear, including a Holden beanie, was hovering around the gift card stand, looking all shifty. I then see her pocket several giftcards and head into the aisles where she discards the cardboard that the cards are stuck to.

She then does a large shopping. Several DVD's, lots of make-up, all expensive shit. SHe gets to the check out and the shopping comes to over $500. When it comes to pay, she pulls out a giftcard (cause on the back it mentions that it can be stored with up to $500 of credit.) She hands it to the checkout chick to put throught, only to have it "decline". When she was asked as to how much was on the card, she naturally didn't know. With the checkout chick thinking that there was money on it, ran a check. She found out it wasn't activated.

The bogan pulls out another card, it two wasn't activated. The checkout chick went throught this 5 times before asking the bogan if she just picked them up off the shelf thinking they have money on them. When asked this question, the bogan ran out the shop. We spent 2 hours putting the shopping back on the shelf, 2 hours that could have been spent on serving customers.

End of Story.

So as you can tell, that was one example of how I fucking hate these mother fucking giftcards. The other fucking reasons is the way the cunts use them.

Now here is a Gift Card basic. You can use them as many times as you like till either the card expires, or you run out of funds. I would suggest that you squeeze them for as much as you can, even if there is 1 cent remaining.

If 5 people leave 1 cent on their card, then that is 5 cents that are left unclaimed. It all adds up.

Now back to the basic. As a result of the multi use gift card, people are spending as they need, which is good, however, the person serving you does not fucking know how much is remaining on your fucking card. They fucking just don't know.

If your shopping comes to $49.50 and you hand over a $50 gift card, or swipe it yourself (which I recomend), then thats fine. There will not be any errors. But if you fucking think that because there is $30 remaining on your card that you can swipe it without telling the checkout chick that there is fucking $30 on your card, that it will deduct the $30, leaving you with $19.50 that you will pay in cash, then, no. It fucking doesn't work like that.

Gift cards that use the EFTPOS machine are basically EFTPOS cards. They are to be treated the same. You don't swipe your ATM card knowing you have $30 left and thinking that the machine knows. You always tell the checkout chick that you have $30 on your card and you will pay the rest in cash. You with gift cards, you should fucking do the same.

The only time a checkout chick will know the balance of your card, is outside a transaction (like before your things start getting scanned). But in the interest of speeding things up, before you start shopping, if your not sure, either check online, or use the ezybanking booth to check the balance. (Thats one thing that Woolworths doesn't advertise at the booths, is gift card balance enquiries. Get on that.)

The time consuming option is to get the checkout chick to check. As the WOWPOS terminals wont let the cards be swiped yet, they have to manually type in the card number.

So please, fucking know whats on your card before you come shopping, and inform the checkout chick when payment is to be made at the end of the transaction as there is too much pissing about to check.

This ends part one on Gift Cards. Tune in for part 2.

Also, look out for a Ninja cast in the New Year.

Want to steal shit? We are watching.

Thats right, if you want to steal shit from a supermarket, know this. We are watching. Sure, you might get away once, twice, maybe even three times, but you will be caught. So take note, if your being followed, or you think your being followed, just fucking stop. Drop the shit you have and just fucking piss off right out the door cause we are fucking onto you and KNOW all your fucking tactics.

THEN there is the undercover store detectives. You don't know who they are, but they all know your fucking patterns. If you think your going to get away with what your doing, then know this. Your plan isnt original, and that the store detectives have seen it before. Just drop it, and piss of and NEVER ever fucking come back or step foot in a supermarket again.

PREDICTION TIME!

When RFID tags on all products become standard, and a national database is established of known items sold/unsold. Tracking of stolen stock will become easy via GPS tracking. Future RFID tags will be microscopic, and unique to each item of stock (eg. One bottle of coke will be "different" from another bottle of coke at the same price(eg same product)).

Now lets all have a laugh at the common stupid theif.

The 101 is back! (The Falling Bottle 101)

The 101 here, back from a long time away from the computer. I have been spending my time working hard, and kicking teeth in. I hope you missed me. I hope that you have enjoyed the content that The Ninja has been putting up in my absence. So now, lets move onto my next 101. Mother fucking soft drink bottles vs register conveyor belts.

The Falling Bottle 101.

As a drinker of soft drinks (aka soda, pop), there is nothing worse than opening a bottle of cola, only to find that the desolved carbon dioxide has reached a point where it all will escape the second you open the bottle. So it is always best to not disturb the bottle as much as possible.

Now, your in a supermarket, and your loading your shopping onto the conveyor belt, what do you do when you put your bottles of cola on the belt? Do you stand them up or lay them down flat (length ways or side ways?)? Why do I ask? Well momentum has a spot in my answer.

Now if you stand the bottles up the way they are ment to stand, the will always fall over when the belt stops and starts in it jerking motion. This cause the liquid in the bottle to move around in the bottle till it falls over. This might be fine for some, and is kinda ok for one bottle. Its ok, youre stupid.

Now what will happen if your having a party? You have 10 bottles of sprite, all standing up, all packed together closely. What do you think will happen?

Well it will all fall over, and some bottle will more than likely fall off the belt and onto the floor. What do you think will happen then? Do you think it will explode open and spray everywhere? You betchya!

So how does one not have a accident with the drinks? Simple, lay the bottles down on their side. LENGTH WAYS. That means, having the bottle point in the direction of travel. If they are sitting sideways, then they will most likely just roll on the "spot" and not actuall go anywhere. Sometimes they will build up momentum and fall off the end of the belt when the belt stops, and results in a very shaken up bottle or a big fucking mess.

So in conclusion, there is only one way to put the bottles, and that is laying flat, langthways, pointing in the direction of travel. It might take up more room on the belt, but you souldn't jam pack the belt anyway. Now if you you stand you bottle up from now on, and it falls off the register and explodes over you, then you are a idiot and need to be removed from society.

I am not The Man.

It is a well known fact that I am easily annoyed, it doesn't take much. From a P-plater in a hotted up car doing 20 below in a 80 zone, when he should be doing 100 over like the the stereotype should be (fuck even the speed limit would be nice), to people that walk slowly in front of you, but you cant get around them because other people are getting in your way too.

However there is one thing that annoys me that shouldn't. Being called the Man.

Standard scenario: Im ringing up some shopping, customer has a child, the customer is of the female type.

Me: "thats (insert amount here)"

Female hands money to the child and says "Give the money to The Man"

I am not the fucking MAN, I am a man, this is true, but I am NOT THE MAN. The Tax office is the MAN, the Police force is the MAN, I am not THE MAN.

Maybe this is some kind of "training" for the child to pay "The Man" when time comes to pay "The Man". A form of brainwashing that has been passed on thru the ages. But it pisses me off.

For starters.

Its not a efficient use of time and energy. The mother should just hand me the money and be done with it. That would be the green way. However handing it to the child then having the child risk dropping the money and wasting more time is not green. More energy is wasted. Just pay and piss the fuck off so I can serve the next asshole.

The next Training scenario teaches the children to fear The Man, at my expense.

Mother: "Watch out for the Man"

The correct phrase should be "Fucking stop running around like a chicken on crack , get back here and stop running into people that could potentially flip-out like a ninja"

Telling the kids to watch out for "The Man" is probably another form of brainwashing, teaching the kids that "The Man" is near and to watch out for "The Man".

So this is where I tell you all, I am not "The Man", I am the mother fucking Ninja, and I will be killing you soon, and the man can't get me as Im better than the man. And stop teaching your children about fearing and paying off The Man.

I hate The Man, but I fucking hate being called The Man.

By the time you read this.

By the time you read this post, the promotion will be over for another 6 months. Im talking about the "Shop and Save" voucher promotion that Woolworths has.

I fucking hate it. Sure, its great to sucker more alco's into the liquor department, but the why it's done sucks bigtime.

Firstly, it fucking sucks for the frontend staff. They have to treat the vouchers like cash, yet at some stores they are left out on the bench for people who have no intention on spending $30 in the supermarket to pick up the pile, select the vouchers they want, head into liquor and rape the department of all their stock because they own a small time liquor store that sells their stuff at 10% more than what we sell it for to retarded customers.

(I want to print up some inserts that I can slide into slabs of VB telling the customers of other stores that they have bought a second hand slab that was bought from my store.)

The second reason why I fucking hate the vouchers is that the customers are fucing retarded. While doing breaks in the liquor department, I have had the following happen, on more than one occasion.

Customers who won't be given their sheet of vouchers will come in, and present the fuel voucher, thinking that its one in the same, despite that they were looking at the instore poster that shows what the vouchers look like. On that note, I have had some asshole cunt bring in a cut out copy of a voucher from the cataloge. FUCK!!

Dear Woolworths,

Make Shop and Save more simple for the consumer. Print "Sample" over the images of the vouchers in the catalogs.

Thank you,
Ninja.

Now the biggest gripe I have with the vouchers are something that you, the retarded customer can do. Prepare the voucher you would like to use BEFORE HAND. There is nothing I hate more is a slow arsed cunt that is taking forever to rip the voucher from the rest, without ripping the one they want to use in half.

Here is a fucking tip. First fold the voucher on the pre-cut lines, fold forwards, then backwards. Do all around the voucher. Then tearing will be easy. If you want to use more than one, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, do this before you come to the register!

Also, I do not WANT the ones you don't use. I will only put the in the bin. Pass them onto your friends, or stick them in the customer bins provided at the doors so some old cunt can pick it up while looking for fuel vouchers. I don't want that shit. I cant give it to another customer as they probably didn't spend $30 in the supermarket.

Oh, and its one voucher per item. Not one for many. Read the fucking conditions on the fucking back assholes. Its like clause number 4 on the petrol offer. One docket per customer. One voucher per customer, for one item per voucher.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

Its cold out there/hot in here.

It has been a while since I last posted. The 101 is still MIA, but I wish him well in his store, where ever that is. Now, onto my rant.

I FUCKING HATE THE WEATHER! I hate the fucking seasons. I hate the rain, I hate the fucking cold, and I fucking hate the mother fucking heat. Why am I so agressive towards something that I have no control over? I hear you ask. It's not actually the weather it self that is to blame. It just exists, like that fucking boil on your arse. Its the mother fucking cunts that come into a supermarket that HAVE to give all the staff a fucking WEATHER report.

Gee, I didn't notice that it was wet outside. The 20 cunts before you mentioned it, but I faied to notice.

LIKE I GIVE A FUCKING CRAP THAT IT IS RAINING. LIKE I FUCKING CARE THAT ITS 40 OUTSIDE AND YOU CAN FRY A MOTHERFUCKING EGG ON THE ROAD. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT THE WEATHER IS LIKE OUTSIDE, I WILL FUCKING FIND OUT WHEN I FINISH MY SHIFT.

Assholes.

Oh and another thing, I am aware that the coolroom in the Liquor department is cold. Woolworths is working with the manufactures to fix the problem pf cold coolrooms so you can still get ice cold beers, but at room temp. We don't need any more complaints about the cold. Your concern is noted.

ITS A FUCKING COOL ROOM! OF COURSE IT IS GOING TO BE FUCKING COLD IN THERE! WE HAVE TO WORK IN THERE, YOU DON'T. YOU HAVE THE FUCKING CHOICE TO SPEND 10 MINUTES ON END CHOOSING YOUR BEER (of which you will probably choose VB, the swill of beers). WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT ITS COLD IN THERE!

Dear Smokers. You are cunts!

Before I head into todays rant, I would like to mention that the 101 has packed up shop from Nowra and has moved down to Victoria. Geelong or somewhere like that. I couldn't work out 100% that the sms was about. Perhaps you, the internet, can understand it.

"hej nija i b in victoia now LOLZ brak has quit haha teh brumbee iz in lolz I hve no net yet waitz for dodo 2 connect n gelong iz hole dun visit SUNBURY!"

Not sure if he moved to Sunbury or Geelong. Should know more soon. Anyhow, onto the rant.

SMOKERS! You are fucking pissing me off with all your smoke and hacking up your lungs everywhere. I really hate the STENCH that comes off you when you walk up to the smoke bench asking for your PJ SUPER MILD or PJ 8's. For starters THEY ARE FUCKING NOT CALLED THAT ANY MORE, THEY ARE NOW KNOWN AS PJ FUCKING RICH OR GOLD! They no longer are known by a name that implies that they are BETTER for you than the OTHER ones. Thus the stupid names they have now. Also the MILLIGRAMS have been removed because ALL the smokes that you can buy will still KILL YOU regardless of the MILLIGRAMS.

Which brings me to the pictures, the graphic pictures, the VERY graphic pictures on the packets. YOU KNOW THE ONES. I was going to write a 30 minute essay on them, but I found a video on youtube that says it better than I can.

Now here is the point where I dish out a idle threat. However, you are going to die a long and painful death at the hands of your winnie blues, so I shall offer this peice of free advice. Please call the smokes you are now after via the correct new name, if your sending someone into the supermarket to buy them for you, tell them the right name, don't tell them to buy you the 8's or the 12's. If you end up with the 16's or 1's, its your own fault. As for the picture, you get what your fucking given. If its the first one off the shelf, its yours. As the lady in the video said, if you don't like the picture, look elsewhere.

HOWEVER THE NEXT FUCKING CUNT THAT PAYS WITH A FIST FULL OF FUCKING WARM SWEATY CHANGE AND ASKS FOR THE SMOKES IN MILLIGRAMS OR WITH THE OLD NAME WILL ONLY GET THE HIGHEST POSSIBLE VERSION THERE IS! HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR PJ FUCKING REDS MOTHER FUCKER!

Can I get Two Tens? No Fuck Off!

The 101 seems to be missing in action. He wont answer his phone, or emails. Maybe he is dead or something? He will be missed, or back. Come back cunt! And answer your fucking phone!

Now that is off my chest like hair on a Metrosexual I bring to you my rant on Money!

So you have coins

So your a paying customer. Big fucking deal. So am I after work. I have cash, I also have a lot of coinage aswell. The joys of being a fucking Woolworths employee, you have a lot of coins. However one thing I fucking hate more is people that insist on paying the exact amount, or something that in their tiny little fucking brains, seems to be right.

EXAMPLE: Fucking cunt walks in and buys $30.75 worth of crap, he pays with 2 $20 notes. He will get $9.25 back. Doesn't sound so bad does it? Well its fucking busy and you have had to endure with assholes like him all day who after handing you the money and expecting the change of $5, 2x$2, 50cents, 20 cents and a 5 cent coin, and AFTER you type in the amount they handed you. He will then proceed to FISH through his fucking pocket for the 75 cents.

He will fish and fish and fish. He will then say that he is doing this to "make it easy for you". NEWSFLASH! It fucking WILL not fucking make it easy for me! I already have a billion 5 cent coins, I already have a million 10 cent coins, And thanks to the fucking bogan scum that came in 30 minutes ago and paid for his smokes with just 20 cent coins, I have enough of those too. WHAT FUCKING MAKES YOU THINK THAT WASTING MY TIME and that of the assholes in line behind you WILL MAKE ANYTHING EASIER? IT FUCKING WILL NOT MAKE IT EASIER!

Mark my words. Next asshole to hand me the coins after I have accepted the cash they gave me before, will only get the coins that are due and the coins they gave me. If you fucking look at me like I'm a fucking retard and why did I do that, then maybe you should look in a mirror. I am not opening the register again unless you buy something, and that would only piss me off some more.

Which brings me to...

Can you change this?

No fucking way. If my till is closed, and you have no intention on buying something from the store, then NO. Its still fucking currency. If you need change to give to your kids, then come into the supermarket, buy them something healthy and it will work out cheaper for you. Need it for public transport, the buy a stick of gum and quit breathing in my face (actually, quit breathing). There is no way in hell I am opening my till for you. NO fucking way.

Why, you just bought some stuff and remembered that you needed the fifty changed? Ok, thats cool with me, so long as the till is still open, if its closed, then your probably are wasting my time now. Once it is closed, you are no longer a customer, you have been finished being server, and all you are now are a waste of space, so fucking move on so I can call the next cunt in the line.

$9.95

This one pisses me off the most. Things that come to $x.95, or $x.90. There are some people out there that insist on paying $y.05, or $y.10.

EXAMPLE: Prick comes in and buys $9.95 worth of shit. He hands me a $20 note. This couldn't be any easier. HOWEVER the cunt will the say "Hold up, I have a 5 cent coin to make it easy for you."

NO IT FUCKING WON'T your R-TARD! Not only will you get $10.10 change now, but the hand movements for me will go from:

Take $20 -> Put $20 in its slot -> Grab $10 -> Grab 5 cents -> Hand to fucker.

TO

Take $20 and 5 cent coin -> Put $20 in its slot -> Put coin in its bin -> Grab $10 -> Grab 10 cents -> Hand to fucker.

Clearly it was easier to write and read the first one than it is the second. Not to mention quicker. Talking about speed, the example doesn't reflect the time it takes for the asshole to fish around for the coin in the first place.

So in conclusion, telling me to hold on for the coins will not make it easy for me. For you it might, but for me, it won't. I have to off load the coins. I don't need the coins, and if I did, you would know. I would be asking if you had the 5 cents or the dollar. Money is money, and if I have the money, then I don't need your sticking coins. Keep them in your pocket, or when you do go to pay, wait for me to finish reading out the total before you waste my time. Waste it in one go, not two. Fish for the coins before you hand me the notes you fucking time wasting asshole.

AND DO NOT, DO FUCKING NOT SAY, WHILE LOOKING FOR THE COINS, I COULD USE THE FUCKING BREAK. I HAVE TO WORK TWICE AS HAD TO MAKE UP THE LOST TIME YOU MADE BY INSISTING ON PAYING WITH THE COINS.

How NOT to buy coffee 101

If you front up to my place of work and do this, you will have that jar of coffee your throwing around shoved so far up your arse you will be shitting Mochachinnos for 6 months.

However if you try it this was, I will only ask you for your autograph.

However if you do this, you will be only a inch away from death after I'm through with you.

Play nice now mother fuckers.

Its all the rage you know.

Got the hint yet? No? Then your death is near. That noise you are about to hear is my sword slicing your body in two. Just because you are 7-21 years old, doesn't mean that you have the right to skate/ride through a supermarket.

IT IS NOT A FUCKING SKATEPARK!

If you have a skateboard/BMX bike/rollerblades, then do one of the fucking following, because you are not really that good on it anyway.

1 - Hop off you skateboard... while infront of a moving car/truck.
2 - Hop off your bike and leave it at the front of the store. If your are scared that someone will steal it, then buy a fucking padlock for it. Besides it is a peice of shit anyway. Who would want to steal it?
3 - Take your rollerblades off and carry them. No one wants to see some cunt skate around a supermarket knocking old ladies over.

Next Tony Hawk wannabe that I see pulling some gnarly moves in aisle 8 will be grinding in the mincer in the meat department. Consider this your first and last warning cunt holes.

An open letter to assorted take-aways, Corner shops, Milk-bars and any shops run by Asians or Wogs.

Dear assorted take-aways, Corner shops, Milk-bars and any shops run by Asians or Wogs.

There is a price on your heads, a price of 99cents each. I know its a bargin, and I know you will want to jack the price up to $3, but wait till the end of the fucking week.

What am I talking about?

Oh you fucking know. Every Monday, the start of a new week for specials, all you fuckers rush into Coles and Woolworths to buy up big on Coke. Currently Woolworths has 30 can cubes of Coke selling at $14. Works out to about 50 cents a can. Two of the stores I know have been sold out of Coke Zero since Tuesday, and the regular customers can't buy it because all the fucking Shops owners have come in and bought it all in the first two days.

Here is a tip from the Supermarket Ninja. If you like your head where it is, attached and on your neck, you will buy up big on your fucking Coke on the last day of the special. It will mean that regular folk can have a chance on getting some at the low price, rather than going to your crappy shop to buy it for 3 times the price. Its not like your pumping the profits into a community group or anything. You just want to see a 300% return on your investment.

That said, Community Groups can wait till Sunday aswell.

Also, fucking Olive Oil. If your a fucking wog that has a NEED to buy 20 cans of 5ltr Olive oil, then you too can wait till the last day of the special. Besides, why do you have a need for that much oil anyway? Do you fucking drink the stuff? Here is another Ninja tip. FIBER.

Now if you have a need to bulk buy shit on the first day of a special, there better be a fucking good reason, because there is a price on your heads and I plan on collecting.

Supermarket Ninja Slices your Catalogue.

Hello there, Supermarket Ninja here. The 101 has asked me to post some quick tips on how to survive the horror that is shopping at a Supermarket. Between letting the blood of teenage virgins, and assasinating people that have a bounty on their head, I plan on posting a tip each week. This week its the nightmare of junkmail, more to the point, Supermarket Catalogues.

So today is Sunday, you would have found a catalogue for your local Woolworths or Coles Supermarket in you mail box sometime this week. Maybe on Thursday, maybe even today, all depends on how much the junkmail boy wants his 3 cents per house per junkmail (in a good week, he could get like 20 whole cents for sticking paper in your box).

So you open up the Coles one to check out the specials. You notice that they have 4ltr Moro Olive Oil at a great price of $29.98. WOW!

Now if you have a death wish, you will go into Coles the day you got the catalogue to buy the oil. Make sure you take it with you so I can kill you with a thousand paper cuts when I point out to you the text on the front page that reads along the lines of:

ON SALE FROM MONDAY 14th OF MAY TILL SUNDAY 20th OF MAY

You are a idiot, and you need to die now. Just because you have the catalogue, doesn't mean it is on special yet. Don't even say that it is at home. Unless you have proof that a item is ment to be on special, and the proof has a date on it that has today within its range, don't even BOTHER to say "Can't I get it at $10.99 7 hours early?". Don't. You will only make the spirits of the old ones angry.

While on the subject of specials. If you see something you want that is cheap in the newspaper, or even a catalogue. Take proper note of where the special is from. Look for the logo for Cole, or the one for Woolworths. When you get to the supermarket, see if it matches the one on the building. Also liquorland isn't all stores that sells liquor. Liquorland belongs to Coles. Woolworths has Woolworths Liquor (or Safeway Liquor for our Mexican friends). Woolworths Liquor isn't Liquorland.

Next time while I am stalking the shadows, in Woolworths Liquor and I hear some asshole on their mobile talking to their bogan friend and mentions that they are in Liquorland, you better move quick as my next move will be my katana blade slicing effortlessly through your head till I use my ninja powers to continue my swing into your mobile phone killing your bogan buddy in the Maccas Carpark on Smith St.

The Green Bag 101

Welcome to the 21st Century. The World is fucked up, but supermarkets in Australia are finally cashing in on enviro-freaks.

It is true that plastic bags are evil and shit, but so are the green re-usable ones for sale in supermarkets. I shall list some evil facts about the green bags.

• Woolworths and Coles are pushing for customers to go green, yet still offer the plastic bags for free.
• From the checkout staff point of view, its quicker to fill a plastic bag than the green ones.
• Green bags absorb all kinds of mess.
• Green bags don't last forever.
• You need to spend at least $15 for 15 bags (average shopping load) and mix in the blue (cooler) bags for your cold items. Plastic bags are free.

There are a number of other reasons why green is evil, but that isn't really the subject of this post. This post is about the correct way for you, the customer to use the Green bag.

Rule number 1 - Know your shopping.

Do you normally do a small shopping or a large one? How many bags do you end up with? With Green bags you can fit aleast 2 times the normal amount of shopping that would normally take up 2 to 3 plastic bags (Yay Green). So if at the end of a normal shop, you normally get 6 - 9 bags, then buy 3 - 4 Green bags. Downside of being able to hold more shopping is that they become more heavy. Top tip; Buy more green bags.

Rule number 2 - Remember to bring them in to the supermarket.

Now this rule is going to go against one of the rules further down, but for the time being, will remain. If you are one of the assholes that insist on bringing your green bags into and forcing the register staff to fill them while you gas bag on your phone, remember this. BRING THE BAGS IN WITH YOU. Even if you forget, before you line up to be served, and you remember, don't put your crap up and tell the staff "Oh, I left my green bags in the car. Oh Never mind." Go and get them.

The 10 plasic bags that we end up giving you, could be better used. They could be given to asians that insist on double bags. So go to your 4 wheel drive, and get the bags. Or better yet, ask for no plastic bags, load all your crap back in to your trolley after it has been scanned, and when you wheel it all out to your baby boomer mobile, pack it all in to the bags yourself.

Which brings me to...

Rule number 3 - Pack it Yourself.

Simple really. Don't place all your bags on top of your shopping on the conveyor belt. Leave them in your trolley, and pack the bags yourself. If you find yourself clucking your tounge, pissed off that its taking too long to be served, then know this.

Its quicker for the staff to just scan.

Scan, scan, scan, scan, scan is way faster than the plastic bag version of: Scan, Scan, scan, scan, pull bag off rack open new bag, scan. It also happens to be even faster than the green bag way of: Fart around trying to get the green bag to stand, scan, fart around placing the iten in the bag, scan, fart around some more, scan, fart around now the bag is standing, scan scan scan, heave the heavy bag off the rack, and then piss fart around with the next bag.

It takes way longer. It took longer to write aswell. So, it you were to pack the bags yourself, then you would make lots of people happy.

I predict that come the day that Green bag users outweigh the plastic bag users, average serving times will double or triple to that of today. You only have yourself to blame.

Rule number 4 - Use the correct brand.

There are a number of different kinds of green bags out there. They vary in size, shape, and when the wrong ones are used at the bags' competition supermarket, serving speeds drop while the register staff deal with the alien bag. If you INSIST on ignoring RULE 3, then please use the bag you bought from Woolworths/Safeway at Woolworths/Safeway, and please use the Coles one at Coles. As for the generic ones. Burn them.

Why? Well the Woolworth/Safeway Green bags are designed for the bag racks. They are perfect in size and have a little loop that fits onto the bag rack to help keep it open. You could say that it aids in speeding up the serving time. Coles bags are smaller, and have no such feature. as as a result flop all over the place and need the aid of one hand to hold it open. Serving time is impared. This pisses off the Woolworths/Safeway staff. I am sure it pisses the Coles staff off too when you do the same to them.

As for the generic bags. These are just pure evil. They don't conform to any standard, most lack bases. Hell, the first version canvas bags from Woolworths atleast had a flat base when you opened it up, and also had loops for hooking onto bag racks. Most generic bags cost the same as the "brand" name ones, but hold less than plasic bags holding the same amount of products. These bags are worse than using a Coles bag at Woolworths. Serving time is hit harder, and they are just a pain in the arse. If you insist on using these bags, then piss off and pack it yourself scumbag.

Finally Rule number 5 - Let your bag reflect you.

Would you go out in public with your clothes covered in blood stains? With bits of onion skins hanging off your stockings? What about receipts coming out of all your pocket? No, you wouldn't Yet, when it comes to your green bags, you don't give a shit.

You know they are washable right?

If I had a dollar for every dirty, filthy bag, I have had to handle, I would be rich. Some bags even had smells so putrid that I was trying to to throw up.

If your mince beef decides to leak, and blood goes through one of your bags. Wash it. Doesn't take long. Hand washing is fine. If you have a canvas one, chuck it in with your washing. Hell you wash your skid stained underware all the time, whats wrong with a little blood?

Don't forget that it isn't fair on the 16 yearold Checkout Chick, who can clean her period soaked panties with out her hand being held. Your ment to be a adult.

Also, try to keep your bag in working order. You will mend the seat of your pants if it rips? Why not the green bag? If the loop on the Woolworth/Safeway bag breaks, stitch it back on. If the sides split, then sew it up. Simple really. They bags don't last for ever, but atleast you can make them last as long as they can. Remember that they are made in China by people that can live off that 99 cents you spent to buy the bag for a month.

And that is it for this installment. If you really are stupid and can't remember the 5 rules to Green Bags, then atleast remember rule number 3, Pack it yourself. It is probably the most enviromently friendly rule too. Cause you see, even if your thought you left your bags in your Hummer, and you told the register staff to hold the plastic, and you get to the Truck to find out you left them at home. Don't go back in for bags. Just load your junk in the trunk and go home. You will still be "saving" the enviroment.

Next time on Supermarket 101, I will teach you how to read Tickets at Woolworths/Safeway in Tickets 101a. For the Coles readers, Tickets 101b will be your post to read, that one however won't be the next post.

Welcome to Supermarket 101

Welcome to Supermarket 101. The only blog that will deal in educating the consumers of Australia.

People are stupid, and shoppers are worse. I work for a major Supermarket in Australia, and every day I encounter hundreds of stupid customers that don't know anything about anything, yet they will act as if they know EVERYTHING. This not only annoys me, but it annoys many in retail.

Just because the customer is always right, doesn't mean they are correct.

So now you know why I am making this blog, you want to know how I will go about educating the people? I am glad you asked.

Each new post will deal with a aspect of shopping in a supermarket. I will feature features that appear in the major supermakets in Australia. Everything from proper usage of the Green bags (which not only are great for the enviroment, but annoying for checkout staff, and the next customers in line), to how to read a special tickets and how to identify the product that it is advertising.

I also intend on making this blog an open forum for customers and retail staff to "clash" head to head. Also in the interest of being "fair", I will point out areas where the customer is right.

Again, welcome to Supermarket 101. Stay tuned for the first post regarding Green Bags, and please, tell all your friends, family and co-workers about this new and blod site that will no doubt piss alot of people off. And on that note, this site may feature strong language and may not be suitable for young people. (That said, its the older folk that are set in their ways and are the idiots that need re-educating.)

Lots of Love,
The 101