Stats request 101: How to Steal from Supermarket.

So, alot of you are looking for tips on how to steal from supermarkets. Thankfully, Supermarket Ninja is here to kick some shit into you.

First off, let me get this out of the way. When you steal, weather its from a big Multi-National, or a Mum and Dad store, you are not only "sticking it to the man", but you are really stealing from people like you and me. The employees who make a living from the small pay packets that the fat cats in Capital City hand out. Sure, some retailers have insurance and shit, but the more you steal, the more the insurance pays out, and thus the more the insurance costs the company, and then the more shit costs to cover the cost of the insurance. For those that don't have insurance on their stock (idiots), they increase the cost to recover the cost of the lost stock.

So you might think you are king shit for stealing. In reality, you are causing little Sally to go without because her mummy can afford to put food on the table because Trevor from Sunshine thinks its good to steal from her mummy's work.

Now, onto the guide. How to steal in a couple of quick easy steps...

Step one. Get a knife, because you will look hardcore with a knife.
Step two. Slice your wrists open with the knife.
Step three. Bleed out and die. You are a blight on society, and should be glad that I am not killing you. One less cunt in the world is a good thing. If you work in a gang, you should perform step two on them first. However, you should stab them in the heart.

I also don't care for your children either. Kill them. They will probably grow up and be a strain on the system too.

I google for supermaket specials and all I get is this stupid site.

That is because YOU are stupid.

Don't worry, Supermarket Ninja is here to help the idiots of the world, and if you got here cause you want a Woolworths/Safeway/Coles/Liquorland catalog, then you are too stupid to go to that retailers website to obtain one.

Fucking idiot. You should jump in front of a car now.

No don't, you will cause the poor sucker that hits you too much paper work, and I don't want them to suffer.

So rather than killing yourself and passing you stupid values and experiences on to offspring, I am going to teach you how to use the internet.

Internet 101

You want a Safeway catalog, because you have a sign on your mailbox that says you don't want junk mail. Well you would go to google.com.au and search for "Safeway Catalog". Then you look for the link to woolworths.com.au and there you have it.

But I take it that is too hard for you still. So I will do the fucking hard work for you.

Woolworths, Safeway, and their Liquor department specials can be found here - http://www.woolworths.com.au/weeklyspecials/

To use, select the state you are in, and what store is closest to you.

For Coles and Liquorland, you can goto http://www.coles.com.au/about/catalogues/.

You can search by suburb or postcode.

And now the hot tip.

Hot Tip

If you are one of the many idiots that have a "No Junk Mail" sign on your mailbox, but still want a catalog every week, then did you know Woolworths and Safeway have a catalog request form?

Well they do, this can be used to get a catalog sent to you everyweek. Or in the case that you don't have a sign on your mailbox, and you havn't got a catalog in weeks, then you can use the same form to inform Head Office that you havn't been getting one, and they will chase it up (plus you can add yourself to the mailing list if you are anal).

These forms can be obtained from the Customer Service Desk. Also while you are there, pick up the current weeks catalog (normally in stock on Monday and may not last till Tuesday.)

I would like to say that Coles has a similar form. You could ask at their Customer Service desk. But cause Coles cant do anything right, I highly doubt it. But try anyway. Couldn't hurt.

You want service? Serve yourself!

Hey! Supermarket Ninja here. Thought I would come out of the forest that is Woolworths and do a post on the new happenings.

First off, a lot of Stores are getting a upgrade. Actually, upgrades.

You see, the old "Green" look is being phased out, and a more "earthy" tone is coming in. As a result things will be changing for the lucky stores that get selected for the upgrades.

The first thing you will notice in a "new" store is the grey coloured walls. The floor will have new tiles (some stores, only the outside edge gets new tiles).

Produce gets new desplays, Bakery joins in on the fun too. Some stores will even loose the bakery. Deli, gets a few upgrades too, with a "express" service feature. Plus you too can join in on the fun down the aisles!

There are groups of employees going store to store moving products about, for that would apear to be no real reason at all.

Now, I am glad I don't have to hear one more customer complain about the moves, but I feel sorry to the guys that are doing them.

So here is the first 101 for todays post.

Upgrade 101

"Why are you moving everything?"

Hopfully everyone that will ask that question, or something like that will read this before they ask it.

The simple answer is to bring all the stores back into line. A kind of standard layout so to speak. The idea is that you shop at one Woolworths, but say you go elsewhere. You don't want to be lost. You can enter the other store and say "Oh this looks like my normal store, I think I can find the tampons without too much hassle."

And you should.

All stores has a similar layout, but the years between "upgrades" is the period where they fall out of line. Still, things should be in some logical order.

Think of it this way. If you can imagine a "heat scale". 0 is cold (or blue), 10 is hot (or red) and between 0 and 10 the colour changes from blue to red. Now apply this to your Woolworths. Blue is produce, Red is Hygeine.in the middle you have purple. This is the household area, the blue side is crap like plates, knives and forks, the red side is chemicals. Shit like Fly Spray, weed killer, That kind of crap.

The idea is you enter a store close to the produce department, then shop to the other end of the store via the blue aisles to the red. Items go into your trolley in a similar fashion, then get loaded up on to the register in reverse fashion so that like products get bagged correctly. That is, no bottles of bleach in with your apples.

That is the ideal world, but it doesn't fucking happen, and the blame can be partly put on the fucking customer.

So the moving of products in a store, brings them back into this hot/cold ideal. That said, the ideal is also in a state of flux as what is good for first 10 stores might not be good for the next 10, and so on.

So you are fucking pissed off at the moves. There is no point in telling the staff that are doing the moves.

You might fucking think you are the only one to ask why they are doing it, or mention that it looks like hard work. I have news for you. You are not the first, and you will not be the last. I would hate to be one of them as they get it all the fucking time. Same smart arse comments, same stupid questions, day in, day out.

Just leave them alone, let them get their job done so they can piss off to a new store, and direct your questions and queries to the fucking Customer Service Desk. That is why it is fucking there.

Now talking about the Service area, some lucky stores are getting new registers. I personally don't like the express lane. Firstly, splitting the line up into 4 smaller lines sucks, but having the backs of the checkout chicks exposed to any nutter is a OH&S issue waiting to happen. Hell, the fucking tills are now fully exposed to anyone that want to do a snatch and grab. Shame Woolworths, Shame.

No wonder the shares are droping. Shareholders are sure that you can protect their money anymore.

The luckier stores are also getting self serve terminals.

Now, let me just say this. If you are fucking going to use one. Be quick, cause I am fucking sick of having to wait for one fucking cunt to take their time with a small basket of goods.

Here are some tips for self serve.

1 - Do not take a trolley through. The bag rack is actually a scale, so when you remove a bag, you ruin the weight of all the items in it. The system needs to be reset.

2 - You can take through produce items. Place them on the "scanner", as it is a scale. Then press the look-up button. If it is a apple, press "A" then look up the correct apple.

3 - Place the item you scaned into the bagging area. You don't want a bag? Still put it in the area, but not in the bag. Remember it is a scale, and if it have the corrent total weight that should be there, the system will lockup. You know, incase you want to steal something, but you want to scan something cheaper like a packet of gum.

News flash, every product has a standard weight, if after you scan something and the bag rack doesnt sence the new weight, then it might think you are stealing something.

4 - You can withdraw cash without buying anything! Want $4? You can get it. It is like a ATM, but better.

Anyway, I thought I had more anger for this post, but I don't. So fuck off. Before I go, I would like you all to remember to be nice to your supermarket worker. They get the same fucking shit day in, day out. Sure they could get another job, for some, it is their other job. Their are items there to help you. Look up sometimes, you don't even need to bother a empolyee again.

If you HAVE to, try not to me fucking rude. If they look busy, find one that isn't. Failing that, go to the fucking service desk you cunts.

Ahh sweet anger.

The Ninja is visiting YOUR store today!

Back from a well deserved break, the Ninja is back, kicking in the heads of Australia's idiot consumers.

Now, today, I bring to you, my rant on price changes. It is reported today that 32 percent of 282 Supermarkets and Grocers in Queensland were fined for over charging the consumer, or more to the point, over charging The Office of Fair Traiding.

Now, I am all for dishing out fines for businesses that knowingly, and willingly rip-off the customer, but what makes me a un-happy camper is when the customer attacks a business for a honest mistake, even if the gets them the item for free.

Toby Tortoise of Melbourne writes:

The Supermarket Scanning Code of Practice is a voluntary code, not a law. Bilo, Coles, Woolies and Franklins all agreed to it, and it is good business to them if it attracts customers from other retailers. If I remember correctly, they will give you one item free if it scans higher than the shelf price, and if you have a lot of them you get the rest at the correct price.

Posted at 2:45pm today

Now this is true, the code is voluntary. If you go into, say a IGA, or a corner store, and you are over charged, fuck you are unlucky. Don't shop there again. When I mean over chaged, I mean by the ticketed price, not what you want the item for. If you go into Woolworths, or Coles, you will get the first item for free, and the others with the same barcode at the "cheaper" price.

As I like to say, shop with your brain, then your feet. Clearly if you are paying too much for 600ml of Coke at a Mum and Dad store, then you are either doing that to support the small business, or you are so stupid, you have a manual on how to breath in your purse.

Talking about idiots, read what this asshole said.

Jay of Sydney writes:

Apart from price rip-off, some supermarkets try to confuse shoppers by not indicating if a price flag on the aisle is for an item above or below. Because of this some shoppers may end up purchasing more expensive item then what they intended to. Often you come across price tabs missing or put in the wrong place. All this may cost extra dollars for shoopers at the checkout. Sometimes the electronic price display at the checkout is not turned towards customers, so shoppers may not know what price the machine hsa scanned. Also supermarkets take advantage of shoppers' impatience to spend additional time standing in the queue. While shoppers may tend to spend lots of time choosing products, they usually dislike spending time in the queue, so they pay whatever the checkout operator says and get out as quickly as possible. Which is probabaly what supermarkets want.

Posted at 2:49pm today

WHAT THE FUCK? You can't work out if the "tab" is for the item above or below it? I bet you need instructions on how to live every day. FUCK.

It is pretty simple really. So FUCKING simple that I will make it today's 101.

101

This shopping is to hard, I don't know if this price is for the item above or below it.

Step 1: Read the fucking ticket. At Woolworths, this contains the NAME of the item, and its PRICE (there are some other numbers and a barcode, but these are for our internal systems. The barcode on the price ticket WILL NOT scan at the registers.)

Step 2: Look above or below the price. If the ticket says "Heinz Baked Beans 110g $4.99" and the fucking item is below the ticket, then HORRAY YOU FOUND IT! How ever, this could be the 400g can. Which takes me to..

Step 3: Read the fucking product label. If the product below says that it is "Heinz Baked Beans" but the size is different, and nowhere on the lable it says you get a bonus amount for free, then it is not the ITEM BELOW. Look above, and if that then matches. HOORAY! Go sign up for NASA fucktard! You will find that in most supermarkets the price is below the item.

OR THE PRICE IS ATTACHED TO THE PHYSICAL SHELF THAT THE ITEM IS SITTING ON. That means if the price isn't touching the shelf, then its not that products price.

Simple.

Sadly, I fear that there will always be idiots like this Jay character that basically needs to pick up a shopping assistant when they pick up a trolley.

Gift Cards 101

Hello again, it's your old pal Supermarket Ninja here again with a new 101 for you all.

We have all seen them, and shops that are dedicated to selling them are poping up. Hell you can walk into a Post Office these days and buy them. Im talking about Gift Cards. The peice of plastic that has replaced the paper Gift Voucher from days of old.

Now why is there a need for a 101 on how to use a gift card? THe answer is simple really. People are stupid.

First off, the cards are empty, they have no money on them when they are hanging up in a store. Would retailers be stupid to have money hanging up around a store? No. I see people stealing these cards all the time, thinking that they are taking "free" money. Fucking idiots.

Story Time.

This fucking bogan lady, who looked fucking bogan, dress in all Holden Gear, including a Holden beanie, was hovering around the gift card stand, looking all shifty. I then see her pocket several giftcards and head into the aisles where she discards the cardboard that the cards are stuck to.

She then does a large shopping. Several DVD's, lots of make-up, all expensive shit. SHe gets to the check out and the shopping comes to over $500. When it comes to pay, she pulls out a giftcard (cause on the back it mentions that it can be stored with up to $500 of credit.) She hands it to the checkout chick to put throught, only to have it "decline". When she was asked as to how much was on the card, she naturally didn't know. With the checkout chick thinking that there was money on it, ran a check. She found out it wasn't activated.

The bogan pulls out another card, it two wasn't activated. The checkout chick went throught this 5 times before asking the bogan if she just picked them up off the shelf thinking they have money on them. When asked this question, the bogan ran out the shop. We spent 2 hours putting the shopping back on the shelf, 2 hours that could have been spent on serving customers.

End of Story.

So as you can tell, that was one example of how I fucking hate these mother fucking giftcards. The other fucking reasons is the way the cunts use them.

Now here is a Gift Card basic. You can use them as many times as you like till either the card expires, or you run out of funds. I would suggest that you squeeze them for as much as you can, even if there is 1 cent remaining.

If 5 people leave 1 cent on their card, then that is 5 cents that are left unclaimed. It all adds up.

Now back to the basic. As a result of the multi use gift card, people are spending as they need, which is good, however, the person serving you does not fucking know how much is remaining on your fucking card. They fucking just don't know.

If your shopping comes to $49.50 and you hand over a $50 gift card, or swipe it yourself (which I recomend), then thats fine. There will not be any errors. But if you fucking think that because there is $30 remaining on your card that you can swipe it without telling the checkout chick that there is fucking $30 on your card, that it will deduct the $30, leaving you with $19.50 that you will pay in cash, then, no. It fucking doesn't work like that.

Gift cards that use the EFTPOS machine are basically EFTPOS cards. They are to be treated the same. You don't swipe your ATM card knowing you have $30 left and thinking that the machine knows. You always tell the checkout chick that you have $30 on your card and you will pay the rest in cash. You with gift cards, you should fucking do the same.

The only time a checkout chick will know the balance of your card, is outside a transaction (like before your things start getting scanned). But in the interest of speeding things up, before you start shopping, if your not sure, either check online, or use the ezybanking booth to check the balance. (Thats one thing that Woolworths doesn't advertise at the booths, is gift card balance enquiries. Get on that.)

The time consuming option is to get the checkout chick to check. As the WOWPOS terminals wont let the cards be swiped yet, they have to manually type in the card number.

So please, fucking know whats on your card before you come shopping, and inform the checkout chick when payment is to be made at the end of the transaction as there is too much pissing about to check.

This ends part one on Gift Cards. Tune in for part 2.

Also, look out for a Ninja cast in the New Year.

Want to steal shit? We are watching.

Thats right, if you want to steal shit from a supermarket, know this. We are watching. Sure, you might get away once, twice, maybe even three times, but you will be caught. So take note, if your being followed, or you think your being followed, just fucking stop. Drop the shit you have and just fucking piss off right out the door cause we are fucking onto you and KNOW all your fucking tactics.

THEN there is the undercover store detectives. You don't know who they are, but they all know your fucking patterns. If you think your going to get away with what your doing, then know this. Your plan isnt original, and that the store detectives have seen it before. Just drop it, and piss of and NEVER ever fucking come back or step foot in a supermarket again.

PREDICTION TIME!

When RFID tags on all products become standard, and a national database is established of known items sold/unsold. Tracking of stolen stock will become easy via GPS tracking. Future RFID tags will be microscopic, and unique to each item of stock (eg. One bottle of coke will be "different" from another bottle of coke at the same price(eg same product)).

Now lets all have a laugh at the common stupid theif.

The 101 is back! (The Falling Bottle 101)

The 101 here, back from a long time away from the computer. I have been spending my time working hard, and kicking teeth in. I hope you missed me. I hope that you have enjoyed the content that The Ninja has been putting up in my absence. So now, lets move onto my next 101. Mother fucking soft drink bottles vs register conveyor belts.

The Falling Bottle 101.

As a drinker of soft drinks (aka soda, pop), there is nothing worse than opening a bottle of cola, only to find that the desolved carbon dioxide has reached a point where it all will escape the second you open the bottle. So it is always best to not disturb the bottle as much as possible.

Now, your in a supermarket, and your loading your shopping onto the conveyor belt, what do you do when you put your bottles of cola on the belt? Do you stand them up or lay them down flat (length ways or side ways?)? Why do I ask? Well momentum has a spot in my answer.

Now if you stand the bottles up the way they are ment to stand, the will always fall over when the belt stops and starts in it jerking motion. This cause the liquid in the bottle to move around in the bottle till it falls over. This might be fine for some, and is kinda ok for one bottle. Its ok, youre stupid.

Now what will happen if your having a party? You have 10 bottles of sprite, all standing up, all packed together closely. What do you think will happen?

Well it will all fall over, and some bottle will more than likely fall off the belt and onto the floor. What do you think will happen then? Do you think it will explode open and spray everywhere? You betchya!

So how does one not have a accident with the drinks? Simple, lay the bottles down on their side. LENGTH WAYS. That means, having the bottle point in the direction of travel. If they are sitting sideways, then they will most likely just roll on the "spot" and not actuall go anywhere. Sometimes they will build up momentum and fall off the end of the belt when the belt stops, and results in a very shaken up bottle or a big fucking mess.

So in conclusion, there is only one way to put the bottles, and that is laying flat, langthways, pointing in the direction of travel. It might take up more room on the belt, but you souldn't jam pack the belt anyway. Now if you you stand you bottle up from now on, and it falls off the register and explodes over you, then you are a idiot and need to be removed from society.