Want to steal shit? We are watching.

Thats right, if you want to steal shit from a supermarket, know this. We are watching. Sure, you might get away once, twice, maybe even three times, but you will be caught. So take note, if your being followed, or you think your being followed, just fucking stop. Drop the shit you have and just fucking piss off right out the door cause we are fucking onto you and KNOW all your fucking tactics.

THEN there is the undercover store detectives. You don't know who they are, but they all know your fucking patterns. If you think your going to get away with what your doing, then know this. Your plan isnt original, and that the store detectives have seen it before. Just drop it, and piss of and NEVER ever fucking come back or step foot in a supermarket again.

PREDICTION TIME!

When RFID tags on all products become standard, and a national database is established of known items sold/unsold. Tracking of stolen stock will become easy via GPS tracking. Future RFID tags will be microscopic, and unique to each item of stock (eg. One bottle of coke will be "different" from another bottle of coke at the same price(eg same product)).

Now lets all have a laugh at the common stupid theif.

The 101 is back! (The Falling Bottle 101)

The 101 here, back from a long time away from the computer. I have been spending my time working hard, and kicking teeth in. I hope you missed me. I hope that you have enjoyed the content that The Ninja has been putting up in my absence. So now, lets move onto my next 101. Mother fucking soft drink bottles vs register conveyor belts.

The Falling Bottle 101.

As a drinker of soft drinks (aka soda, pop), there is nothing worse than opening a bottle of cola, only to find that the desolved carbon dioxide has reached a point where it all will escape the second you open the bottle. So it is always best to not disturb the bottle as much as possible.

Now, your in a supermarket, and your loading your shopping onto the conveyor belt, what do you do when you put your bottles of cola on the belt? Do you stand them up or lay them down flat (length ways or side ways?)? Why do I ask? Well momentum has a spot in my answer.

Now if you stand the bottles up the way they are ment to stand, the will always fall over when the belt stops and starts in it jerking motion. This cause the liquid in the bottle to move around in the bottle till it falls over. This might be fine for some, and is kinda ok for one bottle. Its ok, youre stupid.

Now what will happen if your having a party? You have 10 bottles of sprite, all standing up, all packed together closely. What do you think will happen?

Well it will all fall over, and some bottle will more than likely fall off the belt and onto the floor. What do you think will happen then? Do you think it will explode open and spray everywhere? You betchya!

So how does one not have a accident with the drinks? Simple, lay the bottles down on their side. LENGTH WAYS. That means, having the bottle point in the direction of travel. If they are sitting sideways, then they will most likely just roll on the "spot" and not actuall go anywhere. Sometimes they will build up momentum and fall off the end of the belt when the belt stops, and results in a very shaken up bottle or a big fucking mess.

So in conclusion, there is only one way to put the bottles, and that is laying flat, langthways, pointing in the direction of travel. It might take up more room on the belt, but you souldn't jam pack the belt anyway. Now if you you stand you bottle up from now on, and it falls off the register and explodes over you, then you are a idiot and need to be removed from society.

I am not The Man.

It is a well known fact that I am easily annoyed, it doesn't take much. From a P-plater in a hotted up car doing 20 below in a 80 zone, when he should be doing 100 over like the the stereotype should be (fuck even the speed limit would be nice), to people that walk slowly in front of you, but you cant get around them because other people are getting in your way too.

However there is one thing that annoys me that shouldn't. Being called the Man.

Standard scenario: Im ringing up some shopping, customer has a child, the customer is of the female type.

Me: "thats (insert amount here)"

Female hands money to the child and says "Give the money to The Man"

I am not the fucking MAN, I am a man, this is true, but I am NOT THE MAN. The Tax office is the MAN, the Police force is the MAN, I am not THE MAN.

Maybe this is some kind of "training" for the child to pay "The Man" when time comes to pay "The Man". A form of brainwashing that has been passed on thru the ages. But it pisses me off.

For starters.

Its not a efficient use of time and energy. The mother should just hand me the money and be done with it. That would be the green way. However handing it to the child then having the child risk dropping the money and wasting more time is not green. More energy is wasted. Just pay and piss the fuck off so I can serve the next asshole.

The next Training scenario teaches the children to fear The Man, at my expense.

Mother: "Watch out for the Man"

The correct phrase should be "Fucking stop running around like a chicken on crack , get back here and stop running into people that could potentially flip-out like a ninja"

Telling the kids to watch out for "The Man" is probably another form of brainwashing, teaching the kids that "The Man" is near and to watch out for "The Man".

So this is where I tell you all, I am not "The Man", I am the mother fucking Ninja, and I will be killing you soon, and the man can't get me as Im better than the man. And stop teaching your children about fearing and paying off The Man.

I hate The Man, but I fucking hate being called The Man.

By the time you read this.

By the time you read this post, the promotion will be over for another 6 months. Im talking about the "Shop and Save" voucher promotion that Woolworths has.

I fucking hate it. Sure, its great to sucker more alco's into the liquor department, but the why it's done sucks bigtime.

Firstly, it fucking sucks for the frontend staff. They have to treat the vouchers like cash, yet at some stores they are left out on the bench for people who have no intention on spending $30 in the supermarket to pick up the pile, select the vouchers they want, head into liquor and rape the department of all their stock because they own a small time liquor store that sells their stuff at 10% more than what we sell it for to retarded customers.

(I want to print up some inserts that I can slide into slabs of VB telling the customers of other stores that they have bought a second hand slab that was bought from my store.)

The second reason why I fucking hate the vouchers is that the customers are fucing retarded. While doing breaks in the liquor department, I have had the following happen, on more than one occasion.

Customers who won't be given their sheet of vouchers will come in, and present the fuel voucher, thinking that its one in the same, despite that they were looking at the instore poster that shows what the vouchers look like. On that note, I have had some asshole cunt bring in a cut out copy of a voucher from the cataloge. FUCK!!

Dear Woolworths,

Make Shop and Save more simple for the consumer. Print "Sample" over the images of the vouchers in the catalogs.

Thank you,
Ninja.

Now the biggest gripe I have with the vouchers are something that you, the retarded customer can do. Prepare the voucher you would like to use BEFORE HAND. There is nothing I hate more is a slow arsed cunt that is taking forever to rip the voucher from the rest, without ripping the one they want to use in half.

Here is a fucking tip. First fold the voucher on the pre-cut lines, fold forwards, then backwards. Do all around the voucher. Then tearing will be easy. If you want to use more than one, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, do this before you come to the register!

Also, I do not WANT the ones you don't use. I will only put the in the bin. Pass them onto your friends, or stick them in the customer bins provided at the doors so some old cunt can pick it up while looking for fuel vouchers. I don't want that shit. I cant give it to another customer as they probably didn't spend $30 in the supermarket.

Oh, and its one voucher per item. Not one for many. Read the fucking conditions on the fucking back assholes. Its like clause number 4 on the petrol offer. One docket per customer. One voucher per customer, for one item per voucher.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

Its cold out there/hot in here.

It has been a while since I last posted. The 101 is still MIA, but I wish him well in his store, where ever that is. Now, onto my rant.

I FUCKING HATE THE WEATHER! I hate the fucking seasons. I hate the rain, I hate the fucking cold, and I fucking hate the mother fucking heat. Why am I so agressive towards something that I have no control over? I hear you ask. It's not actually the weather it self that is to blame. It just exists, like that fucking boil on your arse. Its the mother fucking cunts that come into a supermarket that HAVE to give all the staff a fucking WEATHER report.

Gee, I didn't notice that it was wet outside. The 20 cunts before you mentioned it, but I faied to notice.

LIKE I GIVE A FUCKING CRAP THAT IT IS RAINING. LIKE I FUCKING CARE THAT ITS 40 OUTSIDE AND YOU CAN FRY A MOTHERFUCKING EGG ON THE ROAD. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT THE WEATHER IS LIKE OUTSIDE, I WILL FUCKING FIND OUT WHEN I FINISH MY SHIFT.

Assholes.

Oh and another thing, I am aware that the coolroom in the Liquor department is cold. Woolworths is working with the manufactures to fix the problem pf cold coolrooms so you can still get ice cold beers, but at room temp. We don't need any more complaints about the cold. Your concern is noted.

ITS A FUCKING COOL ROOM! OF COURSE IT IS GOING TO BE FUCKING COLD IN THERE! WE HAVE TO WORK IN THERE, YOU DON'T. YOU HAVE THE FUCKING CHOICE TO SPEND 10 MINUTES ON END CHOOSING YOUR BEER (of which you will probably choose VB, the swill of beers). WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT ITS COLD IN THERE!

Dear Smokers. You are cunts!

Before I head into todays rant, I would like to mention that the 101 has packed up shop from Nowra and has moved down to Victoria. Geelong or somewhere like that. I couldn't work out 100% that the sms was about. Perhaps you, the internet, can understand it.

"hej nija i b in victoia now LOLZ brak has quit haha teh brumbee iz in lolz I hve no net yet waitz for dodo 2 connect n gelong iz hole dun visit SUNBURY!"

Not sure if he moved to Sunbury or Geelong. Should know more soon. Anyhow, onto the rant.

SMOKERS! You are fucking pissing me off with all your smoke and hacking up your lungs everywhere. I really hate the STENCH that comes off you when you walk up to the smoke bench asking for your PJ SUPER MILD or PJ 8's. For starters THEY ARE FUCKING NOT CALLED THAT ANY MORE, THEY ARE NOW KNOWN AS PJ FUCKING RICH OR GOLD! They no longer are known by a name that implies that they are BETTER for you than the OTHER ones. Thus the stupid names they have now. Also the MILLIGRAMS have been removed because ALL the smokes that you can buy will still KILL YOU regardless of the MILLIGRAMS.

Which brings me to the pictures, the graphic pictures, the VERY graphic pictures on the packets. YOU KNOW THE ONES. I was going to write a 30 minute essay on them, but I found a video on youtube that says it better than I can.

Now here is the point where I dish out a idle threat. However, you are going to die a long and painful death at the hands of your winnie blues, so I shall offer this peice of free advice. Please call the smokes you are now after via the correct new name, if your sending someone into the supermarket to buy them for you, tell them the right name, don't tell them to buy you the 8's or the 12's. If you end up with the 16's or 1's, its your own fault. As for the picture, you get what your fucking given. If its the first one off the shelf, its yours. As the lady in the video said, if you don't like the picture, look elsewhere.

HOWEVER THE NEXT FUCKING CUNT THAT PAYS WITH A FIST FULL OF FUCKING WARM SWEATY CHANGE AND ASKS FOR THE SMOKES IN MILLIGRAMS OR WITH THE OLD NAME WILL ONLY GET THE HIGHEST POSSIBLE VERSION THERE IS! HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR PJ FUCKING REDS MOTHER FUCKER!

Can I get Two Tens? No Fuck Off!

The 101 seems to be missing in action. He wont answer his phone, or emails. Maybe he is dead or something? He will be missed, or back. Come back cunt! And answer your fucking phone!

Now that is off my chest like hair on a Metrosexual I bring to you my rant on Money!

So you have coins

So your a paying customer. Big fucking deal. So am I after work. I have cash, I also have a lot of coinage aswell. The joys of being a fucking Woolworths employee, you have a lot of coins. However one thing I fucking hate more is people that insist on paying the exact amount, or something that in their tiny little fucking brains, seems to be right.

EXAMPLE: Fucking cunt walks in and buys $30.75 worth of crap, he pays with 2 $20 notes. He will get $9.25 back. Doesn't sound so bad does it? Well its fucking busy and you have had to endure with assholes like him all day who after handing you the money and expecting the change of $5, 2x$2, 50cents, 20 cents and a 5 cent coin, and AFTER you type in the amount they handed you. He will then proceed to FISH through his fucking pocket for the 75 cents.

He will fish and fish and fish. He will then say that he is doing this to "make it easy for you". NEWSFLASH! It fucking WILL not fucking make it easy for me! I already have a billion 5 cent coins, I already have a million 10 cent coins, And thanks to the fucking bogan scum that came in 30 minutes ago and paid for his smokes with just 20 cent coins, I have enough of those too. WHAT FUCKING MAKES YOU THINK THAT WASTING MY TIME and that of the assholes in line behind you WILL MAKE ANYTHING EASIER? IT FUCKING WILL NOT MAKE IT EASIER!

Mark my words. Next asshole to hand me the coins after I have accepted the cash they gave me before, will only get the coins that are due and the coins they gave me. If you fucking look at me like I'm a fucking retard and why did I do that, then maybe you should look in a mirror. I am not opening the register again unless you buy something, and that would only piss me off some more.

Which brings me to...

Can you change this?

No fucking way. If my till is closed, and you have no intention on buying something from the store, then NO. Its still fucking currency. If you need change to give to your kids, then come into the supermarket, buy them something healthy and it will work out cheaper for you. Need it for public transport, the buy a stick of gum and quit breathing in my face (actually, quit breathing). There is no way in hell I am opening my till for you. NO fucking way.

Why, you just bought some stuff and remembered that you needed the fifty changed? Ok, thats cool with me, so long as the till is still open, if its closed, then your probably are wasting my time now. Once it is closed, you are no longer a customer, you have been finished being server, and all you are now are a waste of space, so fucking move on so I can call the next cunt in the line.

$9.95

This one pisses me off the most. Things that come to $x.95, or $x.90. There are some people out there that insist on paying $y.05, or $y.10.

EXAMPLE: Prick comes in and buys $9.95 worth of shit. He hands me a $20 note. This couldn't be any easier. HOWEVER the cunt will the say "Hold up, I have a 5 cent coin to make it easy for you."

NO IT FUCKING WON'T your R-TARD! Not only will you get $10.10 change now, but the hand movements for me will go from:

Take $20 -> Put $20 in its slot -> Grab $10 -> Grab 5 cents -> Hand to fucker.

TO

Take $20 and 5 cent coin -> Put $20 in its slot -> Put coin in its bin -> Grab $10 -> Grab 10 cents -> Hand to fucker.

Clearly it was easier to write and read the first one than it is the second. Not to mention quicker. Talking about speed, the example doesn't reflect the time it takes for the asshole to fish around for the coin in the first place.

So in conclusion, telling me to hold on for the coins will not make it easy for me. For you it might, but for me, it won't. I have to off load the coins. I don't need the coins, and if I did, you would know. I would be asking if you had the 5 cents or the dollar. Money is money, and if I have the money, then I don't need your sticking coins. Keep them in your pocket, or when you do go to pay, wait for me to finish reading out the total before you waste my time. Waste it in one go, not two. Fish for the coins before you hand me the notes you fucking time wasting asshole.

AND DO NOT, DO FUCKING NOT SAY, WHILE LOOKING FOR THE COINS, I COULD USE THE FUCKING BREAK. I HAVE TO WORK TWICE AS HAD TO MAKE UP THE LOST TIME YOU MADE BY INSISTING ON PAYING WITH THE COINS.