Its all the rage you know.

Got the hint yet? No? Then your death is near. That noise you are about to hear is my sword slicing your body in two. Just because you are 7-21 years old, doesn't mean that you have the right to skate/ride through a supermarket.

IT IS NOT A FUCKING SKATEPARK!

If you have a skateboard/BMX bike/rollerblades, then do one of the fucking following, because you are not really that good on it anyway.

1 - Hop off you skateboard... while infront of a moving car/truck.
2 - Hop off your bike and leave it at the front of the store. If your are scared that someone will steal it, then buy a fucking padlock for it. Besides it is a peice of shit anyway. Who would want to steal it?
3 - Take your rollerblades off and carry them. No one wants to see some cunt skate around a supermarket knocking old ladies over.

Next Tony Hawk wannabe that I see pulling some gnarly moves in aisle 8 will be grinding in the mincer in the meat department. Consider this your first and last warning cunt holes.

An open letter to assorted take-aways, Corner shops, Milk-bars and any shops run by Asians or Wogs.

Dear assorted take-aways, Corner shops, Milk-bars and any shops run by Asians or Wogs.

There is a price on your heads, a price of 99cents each. I know its a bargin, and I know you will want to jack the price up to $3, but wait till the end of the fucking week.

What am I talking about?

Oh you fucking know. Every Monday, the start of a new week for specials, all you fuckers rush into Coles and Woolworths to buy up big on Coke. Currently Woolworths has 30 can cubes of Coke selling at $14. Works out to about 50 cents a can. Two of the stores I know have been sold out of Coke Zero since Tuesday, and the regular customers can't buy it because all the fucking Shops owners have come in and bought it all in the first two days.

Here is a tip from the Supermarket Ninja. If you like your head where it is, attached and on your neck, you will buy up big on your fucking Coke on the last day of the special. It will mean that regular folk can have a chance on getting some at the low price, rather than going to your crappy shop to buy it for 3 times the price. Its not like your pumping the profits into a community group or anything. You just want to see a 300% return on your investment.

That said, Community Groups can wait till Sunday aswell.

Also, fucking Olive Oil. If your a fucking wog that has a NEED to buy 20 cans of 5ltr Olive oil, then you too can wait till the last day of the special. Besides, why do you have a need for that much oil anyway? Do you fucking drink the stuff? Here is another Ninja tip. FIBER.

Now if you have a need to bulk buy shit on the first day of a special, there better be a fucking good reason, because there is a price on your heads and I plan on collecting.

Supermarket Ninja Slices your Catalogue.

Hello there, Supermarket Ninja here. The 101 has asked me to post some quick tips on how to survive the horror that is shopping at a Supermarket. Between letting the blood of teenage virgins, and assasinating people that have a bounty on their head, I plan on posting a tip each week. This week its the nightmare of junkmail, more to the point, Supermarket Catalogues.

So today is Sunday, you would have found a catalogue for your local Woolworths or Coles Supermarket in you mail box sometime this week. Maybe on Thursday, maybe even today, all depends on how much the junkmail boy wants his 3 cents per house per junkmail (in a good week, he could get like 20 whole cents for sticking paper in your box).

So you open up the Coles one to check out the specials. You notice that they have 4ltr Moro Olive Oil at a great price of $29.98. WOW!

Now if you have a death wish, you will go into Coles the day you got the catalogue to buy the oil. Make sure you take it with you so I can kill you with a thousand paper cuts when I point out to you the text on the front page that reads along the lines of:

ON SALE FROM MONDAY 14th OF MAY TILL SUNDAY 20th OF MAY

You are a idiot, and you need to die now. Just because you have the catalogue, doesn't mean it is on special yet. Don't even say that it is at home. Unless you have proof that a item is ment to be on special, and the proof has a date on it that has today within its range, don't even BOTHER to say "Can't I get it at $10.99 7 hours early?". Don't. You will only make the spirits of the old ones angry.

While on the subject of specials. If you see something you want that is cheap in the newspaper, or even a catalogue. Take proper note of where the special is from. Look for the logo for Cole, or the one for Woolworths. When you get to the supermarket, see if it matches the one on the building. Also liquorland isn't all stores that sells liquor. Liquorland belongs to Coles. Woolworths has Woolworths Liquor (or Safeway Liquor for our Mexican friends). Woolworths Liquor isn't Liquorland.

Next time while I am stalking the shadows, in Woolworths Liquor and I hear some asshole on their mobile talking to their bogan friend and mentions that they are in Liquorland, you better move quick as my next move will be my katana blade slicing effortlessly through your head till I use my ninja powers to continue my swing into your mobile phone killing your bogan buddy in the Maccas Carpark on Smith St.

The Green Bag 101

Welcome to the 21st Century. The World is fucked up, but supermarkets in Australia are finally cashing in on enviro-freaks.

It is true that plastic bags are evil and shit, but so are the green re-usable ones for sale in supermarkets. I shall list some evil facts about the green bags.

• Woolworths and Coles are pushing for customers to go green, yet still offer the plastic bags for free.
• From the checkout staff point of view, its quicker to fill a plastic bag than the green ones.
• Green bags absorb all kinds of mess.
• Green bags don't last forever.
• You need to spend at least $15 for 15 bags (average shopping load) and mix in the blue (cooler) bags for your cold items. Plastic bags are free.

There are a number of other reasons why green is evil, but that isn't really the subject of this post. This post is about the correct way for you, the customer to use the Green bag.

Rule number 1 - Know your shopping.

Do you normally do a small shopping or a large one? How many bags do you end up with? With Green bags you can fit aleast 2 times the normal amount of shopping that would normally take up 2 to 3 plastic bags (Yay Green). So if at the end of a normal shop, you normally get 6 - 9 bags, then buy 3 - 4 Green bags. Downside of being able to hold more shopping is that they become more heavy. Top tip; Buy more green bags.

Rule number 2 - Remember to bring them in to the supermarket.

Now this rule is going to go against one of the rules further down, but for the time being, will remain. If you are one of the assholes that insist on bringing your green bags into and forcing the register staff to fill them while you gas bag on your phone, remember this. BRING THE BAGS IN WITH YOU. Even if you forget, before you line up to be served, and you remember, don't put your crap up and tell the staff "Oh, I left my green bags in the car. Oh Never mind." Go and get them.

The 10 plasic bags that we end up giving you, could be better used. They could be given to asians that insist on double bags. So go to your 4 wheel drive, and get the bags. Or better yet, ask for no plastic bags, load all your crap back in to your trolley after it has been scanned, and when you wheel it all out to your baby boomer mobile, pack it all in to the bags yourself.

Which brings me to...

Rule number 3 - Pack it Yourself.

Simple really. Don't place all your bags on top of your shopping on the conveyor belt. Leave them in your trolley, and pack the bags yourself. If you find yourself clucking your tounge, pissed off that its taking too long to be served, then know this.

Its quicker for the staff to just scan.

Scan, scan, scan, scan, scan is way faster than the plastic bag version of: Scan, Scan, scan, scan, pull bag off rack open new bag, scan. It also happens to be even faster than the green bag way of: Fart around trying to get the green bag to stand, scan, fart around placing the iten in the bag, scan, fart around some more, scan, fart around now the bag is standing, scan scan scan, heave the heavy bag off the rack, and then piss fart around with the next bag.

It takes way longer. It took longer to write aswell. So, it you were to pack the bags yourself, then you would make lots of people happy.

I predict that come the day that Green bag users outweigh the plastic bag users, average serving times will double or triple to that of today. You only have yourself to blame.

Rule number 4 - Use the correct brand.

There are a number of different kinds of green bags out there. They vary in size, shape, and when the wrong ones are used at the bags' competition supermarket, serving speeds drop while the register staff deal with the alien bag. If you INSIST on ignoring RULE 3, then please use the bag you bought from Woolworths/Safeway at Woolworths/Safeway, and please use the Coles one at Coles. As for the generic ones. Burn them.

Why? Well the Woolworth/Safeway Green bags are designed for the bag racks. They are perfect in size and have a little loop that fits onto the bag rack to help keep it open. You could say that it aids in speeding up the serving time. Coles bags are smaller, and have no such feature. as as a result flop all over the place and need the aid of one hand to hold it open. Serving time is impared. This pisses off the Woolworths/Safeway staff. I am sure it pisses the Coles staff off too when you do the same to them.

As for the generic bags. These are just pure evil. They don't conform to any standard, most lack bases. Hell, the first version canvas bags from Woolworths atleast had a flat base when you opened it up, and also had loops for hooking onto bag racks. Most generic bags cost the same as the "brand" name ones, but hold less than plasic bags holding the same amount of products. These bags are worse than using a Coles bag at Woolworths. Serving time is hit harder, and they are just a pain in the arse. If you insist on using these bags, then piss off and pack it yourself scumbag.

Finally Rule number 5 - Let your bag reflect you.

Would you go out in public with your clothes covered in blood stains? With bits of onion skins hanging off your stockings? What about receipts coming out of all your pocket? No, you wouldn't Yet, when it comes to your green bags, you don't give a shit.

You know they are washable right?

If I had a dollar for every dirty, filthy bag, I have had to handle, I would be rich. Some bags even had smells so putrid that I was trying to to throw up.

If your mince beef decides to leak, and blood goes through one of your bags. Wash it. Doesn't take long. Hand washing is fine. If you have a canvas one, chuck it in with your washing. Hell you wash your skid stained underware all the time, whats wrong with a little blood?

Don't forget that it isn't fair on the 16 yearold Checkout Chick, who can clean her period soaked panties with out her hand being held. Your ment to be a adult.

Also, try to keep your bag in working order. You will mend the seat of your pants if it rips? Why not the green bag? If the loop on the Woolworth/Safeway bag breaks, stitch it back on. If the sides split, then sew it up. Simple really. They bags don't last for ever, but atleast you can make them last as long as they can. Remember that they are made in China by people that can live off that 99 cents you spent to buy the bag for a month.

And that is it for this installment. If you really are stupid and can't remember the 5 rules to Green Bags, then atleast remember rule number 3, Pack it yourself. It is probably the most enviromently friendly rule too. Cause you see, even if your thought you left your bags in your Hummer, and you told the register staff to hold the plastic, and you get to the Truck to find out you left them at home. Don't go back in for bags. Just load your junk in the trunk and go home. You will still be "saving" the enviroment.

Next time on Supermarket 101, I will teach you how to read Tickets at Woolworths/Safeway in Tickets 101a. For the Coles readers, Tickets 101b will be your post to read, that one however won't be the next post.

Welcome to Supermarket 101

Welcome to Supermarket 101. The only blog that will deal in educating the consumers of Australia.

People are stupid, and shoppers are worse. I work for a major Supermarket in Australia, and every day I encounter hundreds of stupid customers that don't know anything about anything, yet they will act as if they know EVERYTHING. This not only annoys me, but it annoys many in retail.

Just because the customer is always right, doesn't mean they are correct.

So now you know why I am making this blog, you want to know how I will go about educating the people? I am glad you asked.

Each new post will deal with a aspect of shopping in a supermarket. I will feature features that appear in the major supermakets in Australia. Everything from proper usage of the Green bags (which not only are great for the enviroment, but annoying for checkout staff, and the next customers in line), to how to read a special tickets and how to identify the product that it is advertising.

I also intend on making this blog an open forum for customers and retail staff to "clash" head to head. Also in the interest of being "fair", I will point out areas where the customer is right.

Again, welcome to Supermarket 101. Stay tuned for the first post regarding Green Bags, and please, tell all your friends, family and co-workers about this new and blod site that will no doubt piss alot of people off. And on that note, this site may feature strong language and may not be suitable for young people. (That said, its the older folk that are set in their ways and are the idiots that need re-educating.)

Lots of Love,
The 101