Dear Smokers. You are cunts!

Before I head into todays rant, I would like to mention that the 101 has packed up shop from Nowra and has moved down to Victoria. Geelong or somewhere like that. I couldn't work out 100% that the sms was about. Perhaps you, the internet, can understand it.

"hej nija i b in victoia now LOLZ brak has quit haha teh brumbee iz in lolz I hve no net yet waitz for dodo 2 connect n gelong iz hole dun visit SUNBURY!"

Not sure if he moved to Sunbury or Geelong. Should know more soon. Anyhow, onto the rant.

SMOKERS! You are fucking pissing me off with all your smoke and hacking up your lungs everywhere. I really hate the STENCH that comes off you when you walk up to the smoke bench asking for your PJ SUPER MILD or PJ 8's. For starters THEY ARE FUCKING NOT CALLED THAT ANY MORE, THEY ARE NOW KNOWN AS PJ FUCKING RICH OR GOLD! They no longer are known by a name that implies that they are BETTER for you than the OTHER ones. Thus the stupid names they have now. Also the MILLIGRAMS have been removed because ALL the smokes that you can buy will still KILL YOU regardless of the MILLIGRAMS.

Which brings me to the pictures, the graphic pictures, the VERY graphic pictures on the packets. YOU KNOW THE ONES. I was going to write a 30 minute essay on them, but I found a video on youtube that says it better than I can.

Now here is the point where I dish out a idle threat. However, you are going to die a long and painful death at the hands of your winnie blues, so I shall offer this peice of free advice. Please call the smokes you are now after via the correct new name, if your sending someone into the supermarket to buy them for you, tell them the right name, don't tell them to buy you the 8's or the 12's. If you end up with the 16's or 1's, its your own fault. As for the picture, you get what your fucking given. If its the first one off the shelf, its yours. As the lady in the video said, if you don't like the picture, look elsewhere.

HOWEVER THE NEXT FUCKING CUNT THAT PAYS WITH A FIST FULL OF FUCKING WARM SWEATY CHANGE AND ASKS FOR THE SMOKES IN MILLIGRAMS OR WITH THE OLD NAME WILL ONLY GET THE HIGHEST POSSIBLE VERSION THERE IS! HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR PJ FUCKING REDS MOTHER FUCKER!

Can I get Two Tens? No Fuck Off!

The 101 seems to be missing in action. He wont answer his phone, or emails. Maybe he is dead or something? He will be missed, or back. Come back cunt! And answer your fucking phone!

Now that is off my chest like hair on a Metrosexual I bring to you my rant on Money!

So you have coins

So your a paying customer. Big fucking deal. So am I after work. I have cash, I also have a lot of coinage aswell. The joys of being a fucking Woolworths employee, you have a lot of coins. However one thing I fucking hate more is people that insist on paying the exact amount, or something that in their tiny little fucking brains, seems to be right.

EXAMPLE: Fucking cunt walks in and buys $30.75 worth of crap, he pays with 2 $20 notes. He will get $9.25 back. Doesn't sound so bad does it? Well its fucking busy and you have had to endure with assholes like him all day who after handing you the money and expecting the change of $5, 2x$2, 50cents, 20 cents and a 5 cent coin, and AFTER you type in the amount they handed you. He will then proceed to FISH through his fucking pocket for the 75 cents.

He will fish and fish and fish. He will then say that he is doing this to "make it easy for you". NEWSFLASH! It fucking WILL not fucking make it easy for me! I already have a billion 5 cent coins, I already have a million 10 cent coins, And thanks to the fucking bogan scum that came in 30 minutes ago and paid for his smokes with just 20 cent coins, I have enough of those too. WHAT FUCKING MAKES YOU THINK THAT WASTING MY TIME and that of the assholes in line behind you WILL MAKE ANYTHING EASIER? IT FUCKING WILL NOT MAKE IT EASIER!

Mark my words. Next asshole to hand me the coins after I have accepted the cash they gave me before, will only get the coins that are due and the coins they gave me. If you fucking look at me like I'm a fucking retard and why did I do that, then maybe you should look in a mirror. I am not opening the register again unless you buy something, and that would only piss me off some more.

Which brings me to...

Can you change this?

No fucking way. If my till is closed, and you have no intention on buying something from the store, then NO. Its still fucking currency. If you need change to give to your kids, then come into the supermarket, buy them something healthy and it will work out cheaper for you. Need it for public transport, the buy a stick of gum and quit breathing in my face (actually, quit breathing). There is no way in hell I am opening my till for you. NO fucking way.

Why, you just bought some stuff and remembered that you needed the fifty changed? Ok, thats cool with me, so long as the till is still open, if its closed, then your probably are wasting my time now. Once it is closed, you are no longer a customer, you have been finished being server, and all you are now are a waste of space, so fucking move on so I can call the next cunt in the line.

$9.95

This one pisses me off the most. Things that come to $x.95, or $x.90. There are some people out there that insist on paying $y.05, or $y.10.

EXAMPLE: Prick comes in and buys $9.95 worth of shit. He hands me a $20 note. This couldn't be any easier. HOWEVER the cunt will the say "Hold up, I have a 5 cent coin to make it easy for you."

NO IT FUCKING WON'T your R-TARD! Not only will you get $10.10 change now, but the hand movements for me will go from:

Take $20 -> Put $20 in its slot -> Grab $10 -> Grab 5 cents -> Hand to fucker.

TO

Take $20 and 5 cent coin -> Put $20 in its slot -> Put coin in its bin -> Grab $10 -> Grab 10 cents -> Hand to fucker.

Clearly it was easier to write and read the first one than it is the second. Not to mention quicker. Talking about speed, the example doesn't reflect the time it takes for the asshole to fish around for the coin in the first place.

So in conclusion, telling me to hold on for the coins will not make it easy for me. For you it might, but for me, it won't. I have to off load the coins. I don't need the coins, and if I did, you would know. I would be asking if you had the 5 cents or the dollar. Money is money, and if I have the money, then I don't need your sticking coins. Keep them in your pocket, or when you do go to pay, wait for me to finish reading out the total before you waste my time. Waste it in one go, not two. Fish for the coins before you hand me the notes you fucking time wasting asshole.

AND DO NOT, DO FUCKING NOT SAY, WHILE LOOKING FOR THE COINS, I COULD USE THE FUCKING BREAK. I HAVE TO WORK TWICE AS HAD TO MAKE UP THE LOST TIME YOU MADE BY INSISTING ON PAYING WITH THE COINS.

How NOT to buy coffee 101

If you front up to my place of work and do this, you will have that jar of coffee your throwing around shoved so far up your arse you will be shitting Mochachinnos for 6 months.

However if you try it this was, I will only ask you for your autograph.

However if you do this, you will be only a inch away from death after I'm through with you.

Play nice now mother fuckers.

Its all the rage you know.

Got the hint yet? No? Then your death is near. That noise you are about to hear is my sword slicing your body in two. Just because you are 7-21 years old, doesn't mean that you have the right to skate/ride through a supermarket.

IT IS NOT A FUCKING SKATEPARK!

If you have a skateboard/BMX bike/rollerblades, then do one of the fucking following, because you are not really that good on it anyway.

1 - Hop off you skateboard... while infront of a moving car/truck.
2 - Hop off your bike and leave it at the front of the store. If your are scared that someone will steal it, then buy a fucking padlock for it. Besides it is a peice of shit anyway. Who would want to steal it?
3 - Take your rollerblades off and carry them. No one wants to see some cunt skate around a supermarket knocking old ladies over.

Next Tony Hawk wannabe that I see pulling some gnarly moves in aisle 8 will be grinding in the mincer in the meat department. Consider this your first and last warning cunt holes.

An open letter to assorted take-aways, Corner shops, Milk-bars and any shops run by Asians or Wogs.

Dear assorted take-aways, Corner shops, Milk-bars and any shops run by Asians or Wogs.

There is a price on your heads, a price of 99cents each. I know its a bargin, and I know you will want to jack the price up to $3, but wait till the end of the fucking week.

What am I talking about?

Oh you fucking know. Every Monday, the start of a new week for specials, all you fuckers rush into Coles and Woolworths to buy up big on Coke. Currently Woolworths has 30 can cubes of Coke selling at $14. Works out to about 50 cents a can. Two of the stores I know have been sold out of Coke Zero since Tuesday, and the regular customers can't buy it because all the fucking Shops owners have come in and bought it all in the first two days.

Here is a tip from the Supermarket Ninja. If you like your head where it is, attached and on your neck, you will buy up big on your fucking Coke on the last day of the special. It will mean that regular folk can have a chance on getting some at the low price, rather than going to your crappy shop to buy it for 3 times the price. Its not like your pumping the profits into a community group or anything. You just want to see a 300% return on your investment.

That said, Community Groups can wait till Sunday aswell.

Also, fucking Olive Oil. If your a fucking wog that has a NEED to buy 20 cans of 5ltr Olive oil, then you too can wait till the last day of the special. Besides, why do you have a need for that much oil anyway? Do you fucking drink the stuff? Here is another Ninja tip. FIBER.

Now if you have a need to bulk buy shit on the first day of a special, there better be a fucking good reason, because there is a price on your heads and I plan on collecting.

Supermarket Ninja Slices your Catalogue.

Hello there, Supermarket Ninja here. The 101 has asked me to post some quick tips on how to survive the horror that is shopping at a Supermarket. Between letting the blood of teenage virgins, and assasinating people that have a bounty on their head, I plan on posting a tip each week. This week its the nightmare of junkmail, more to the point, Supermarket Catalogues.

So today is Sunday, you would have found a catalogue for your local Woolworths or Coles Supermarket in you mail box sometime this week. Maybe on Thursday, maybe even today, all depends on how much the junkmail boy wants his 3 cents per house per junkmail (in a good week, he could get like 20 whole cents for sticking paper in your box).

So you open up the Coles one to check out the specials. You notice that they have 4ltr Moro Olive Oil at a great price of $29.98. WOW!

Now if you have a death wish, you will go into Coles the day you got the catalogue to buy the oil. Make sure you take it with you so I can kill you with a thousand paper cuts when I point out to you the text on the front page that reads along the lines of:

ON SALE FROM MONDAY 14th OF MAY TILL SUNDAY 20th OF MAY

You are a idiot, and you need to die now. Just because you have the catalogue, doesn't mean it is on special yet. Don't even say that it is at home. Unless you have proof that a item is ment to be on special, and the proof has a date on it that has today within its range, don't even BOTHER to say "Can't I get it at $10.99 7 hours early?". Don't. You will only make the spirits of the old ones angry.

While on the subject of specials. If you see something you want that is cheap in the newspaper, or even a catalogue. Take proper note of where the special is from. Look for the logo for Cole, or the one for Woolworths. When you get to the supermarket, see if it matches the one on the building. Also liquorland isn't all stores that sells liquor. Liquorland belongs to Coles. Woolworths has Woolworths Liquor (or Safeway Liquor for our Mexican friends). Woolworths Liquor isn't Liquorland.

Next time while I am stalking the shadows, in Woolworths Liquor and I hear some asshole on their mobile talking to their bogan friend and mentions that they are in Liquorland, you better move quick as my next move will be my katana blade slicing effortlessly through your head till I use my ninja powers to continue my swing into your mobile phone killing your bogan buddy in the Maccas Carpark on Smith St.

The Green Bag 101

Welcome to the 21st Century. The World is fucked up, but supermarkets in Australia are finally cashing in on enviro-freaks.

It is true that plastic bags are evil and shit, but so are the green re-usable ones for sale in supermarkets. I shall list some evil facts about the green bags.

• Woolworths and Coles are pushing for customers to go green, yet still offer the plastic bags for free.
• From the checkout staff point of view, its quicker to fill a plastic bag than the green ones.
• Green bags absorb all kinds of mess.
• Green bags don't last forever.
• You need to spend at least $15 for 15 bags (average shopping load) and mix in the blue (cooler) bags for your cold items. Plastic bags are free.

There are a number of other reasons why green is evil, but that isn't really the subject of this post. This post is about the correct way for you, the customer to use the Green bag.

Rule number 1 - Know your shopping.

Do you normally do a small shopping or a large one? How many bags do you end up with? With Green bags you can fit aleast 2 times the normal amount of shopping that would normally take up 2 to 3 plastic bags (Yay Green). So if at the end of a normal shop, you normally get 6 - 9 bags, then buy 3 - 4 Green bags. Downside of being able to hold more shopping is that they become more heavy. Top tip; Buy more green bags.

Rule number 2 - Remember to bring them in to the supermarket.

Now this rule is going to go against one of the rules further down, but for the time being, will remain. If you are one of the assholes that insist on bringing your green bags into and forcing the register staff to fill them while you gas bag on your phone, remember this. BRING THE BAGS IN WITH YOU. Even if you forget, before you line up to be served, and you remember, don't put your crap up and tell the staff "Oh, I left my green bags in the car. Oh Never mind." Go and get them.

The 10 plasic bags that we end up giving you, could be better used. They could be given to asians that insist on double bags. So go to your 4 wheel drive, and get the bags. Or better yet, ask for no plastic bags, load all your crap back in to your trolley after it has been scanned, and when you wheel it all out to your baby boomer mobile, pack it all in to the bags yourself.

Which brings me to...

Rule number 3 - Pack it Yourself.

Simple really. Don't place all your bags on top of your shopping on the conveyor belt. Leave them in your trolley, and pack the bags yourself. If you find yourself clucking your tounge, pissed off that its taking too long to be served, then know this.

Its quicker for the staff to just scan.

Scan, scan, scan, scan, scan is way faster than the plastic bag version of: Scan, Scan, scan, scan, pull bag off rack open new bag, scan. It also happens to be even faster than the green bag way of: Fart around trying to get the green bag to stand, scan, fart around placing the iten in the bag, scan, fart around some more, scan, fart around now the bag is standing, scan scan scan, heave the heavy bag off the rack, and then piss fart around with the next bag.

It takes way longer. It took longer to write aswell. So, it you were to pack the bags yourself, then you would make lots of people happy.

I predict that come the day that Green bag users outweigh the plastic bag users, average serving times will double or triple to that of today. You only have yourself to blame.

Rule number 4 - Use the correct brand.

There are a number of different kinds of green bags out there. They vary in size, shape, and when the wrong ones are used at the bags' competition supermarket, serving speeds drop while the register staff deal with the alien bag. If you INSIST on ignoring RULE 3, then please use the bag you bought from Woolworths/Safeway at Woolworths/Safeway, and please use the Coles one at Coles. As for the generic ones. Burn them.

Why? Well the Woolworth/Safeway Green bags are designed for the bag racks. They are perfect in size and have a little loop that fits onto the bag rack to help keep it open. You could say that it aids in speeding up the serving time. Coles bags are smaller, and have no such feature. as as a result flop all over the place and need the aid of one hand to hold it open. Serving time is impared. This pisses off the Woolworths/Safeway staff. I am sure it pisses the Coles staff off too when you do the same to them.

As for the generic bags. These are just pure evil. They don't conform to any standard, most lack bases. Hell, the first version canvas bags from Woolworths atleast had a flat base when you opened it up, and also had loops for hooking onto bag racks. Most generic bags cost the same as the "brand" name ones, but hold less than plasic bags holding the same amount of products. These bags are worse than using a Coles bag at Woolworths. Serving time is hit harder, and they are just a pain in the arse. If you insist on using these bags, then piss off and pack it yourself scumbag.

Finally Rule number 5 - Let your bag reflect you.

Would you go out in public with your clothes covered in blood stains? With bits of onion skins hanging off your stockings? What about receipts coming out of all your pocket? No, you wouldn't Yet, when it comes to your green bags, you don't give a shit.

You know they are washable right?

If I had a dollar for every dirty, filthy bag, I have had to handle, I would be rich. Some bags even had smells so putrid that I was trying to to throw up.

If your mince beef decides to leak, and blood goes through one of your bags. Wash it. Doesn't take long. Hand washing is fine. If you have a canvas one, chuck it in with your washing. Hell you wash your skid stained underware all the time, whats wrong with a little blood?

Don't forget that it isn't fair on the 16 yearold Checkout Chick, who can clean her period soaked panties with out her hand being held. Your ment to be a adult.

Also, try to keep your bag in working order. You will mend the seat of your pants if it rips? Why not the green bag? If the loop on the Woolworth/Safeway bag breaks, stitch it back on. If the sides split, then sew it up. Simple really. They bags don't last for ever, but atleast you can make them last as long as they can. Remember that they are made in China by people that can live off that 99 cents you spent to buy the bag for a month.

And that is it for this installment. If you really are stupid and can't remember the 5 rules to Green Bags, then atleast remember rule number 3, Pack it yourself. It is probably the most enviromently friendly rule too. Cause you see, even if your thought you left your bags in your Hummer, and you told the register staff to hold the plastic, and you get to the Truck to find out you left them at home. Don't go back in for bags. Just load your junk in the trunk and go home. You will still be "saving" the enviroment.

Next time on Supermarket 101, I will teach you how to read Tickets at Woolworths/Safeway in Tickets 101a. For the Coles readers, Tickets 101b will be your post to read, that one however won't be the next post.