Gift Cards 101

Hello again, it's your old pal Supermarket Ninja here again with a new 101 for you all.

We have all seen them, and shops that are dedicated to selling them are poping up. Hell you can walk into a Post Office these days and buy them. Im talking about Gift Cards. The peice of plastic that has replaced the paper Gift Voucher from days of old.

Now why is there a need for a 101 on how to use a gift card? THe answer is simple really. People are stupid.

First off, the cards are empty, they have no money on them when they are hanging up in a store. Would retailers be stupid to have money hanging up around a store? No. I see people stealing these cards all the time, thinking that they are taking "free" money. Fucking idiots.

Story Time.

This fucking bogan lady, who looked fucking bogan, dress in all Holden Gear, including a Holden beanie, was hovering around the gift card stand, looking all shifty. I then see her pocket several giftcards and head into the aisles where she discards the cardboard that the cards are stuck to.

She then does a large shopping. Several DVD's, lots of make-up, all expensive shit. SHe gets to the check out and the shopping comes to over $500. When it comes to pay, she pulls out a giftcard (cause on the back it mentions that it can be stored with up to $500 of credit.) She hands it to the checkout chick to put throught, only to have it "decline". When she was asked as to how much was on the card, she naturally didn't know. With the checkout chick thinking that there was money on it, ran a check. She found out it wasn't activated.

The bogan pulls out another card, it two wasn't activated. The checkout chick went throught this 5 times before asking the bogan if she just picked them up off the shelf thinking they have money on them. When asked this question, the bogan ran out the shop. We spent 2 hours putting the shopping back on the shelf, 2 hours that could have been spent on serving customers.

End of Story.

So as you can tell, that was one example of how I fucking hate these mother fucking giftcards. The other fucking reasons is the way the cunts use them.

Now here is a Gift Card basic. You can use them as many times as you like till either the card expires, or you run out of funds. I would suggest that you squeeze them for as much as you can, even if there is 1 cent remaining.

If 5 people leave 1 cent on their card, then that is 5 cents that are left unclaimed. It all adds up.

Now back to the basic. As a result of the multi use gift card, people are spending as they need, which is good, however, the person serving you does not fucking know how much is remaining on your fucking card. They fucking just don't know.

If your shopping comes to $49.50 and you hand over a $50 gift card, or swipe it yourself (which I recomend), then thats fine. There will not be any errors. But if you fucking think that because there is $30 remaining on your card that you can swipe it without telling the checkout chick that there is fucking $30 on your card, that it will deduct the $30, leaving you with $19.50 that you will pay in cash, then, no. It fucking doesn't work like that.

Gift cards that use the EFTPOS machine are basically EFTPOS cards. They are to be treated the same. You don't swipe your ATM card knowing you have $30 left and thinking that the machine knows. You always tell the checkout chick that you have $30 on your card and you will pay the rest in cash. You with gift cards, you should fucking do the same.

The only time a checkout chick will know the balance of your card, is outside a transaction (like before your things start getting scanned). But in the interest of speeding things up, before you start shopping, if your not sure, either check online, or use the ezybanking booth to check the balance. (Thats one thing that Woolworths doesn't advertise at the booths, is gift card balance enquiries. Get on that.)

The time consuming option is to get the checkout chick to check. As the WOWPOS terminals wont let the cards be swiped yet, they have to manually type in the card number.

So please, fucking know whats on your card before you come shopping, and inform the checkout chick when payment is to be made at the end of the transaction as there is too much pissing about to check.

This ends part one on Gift Cards. Tune in for part 2.

Also, look out for a Ninja cast in the New Year.

Want to steal shit? We are watching.

Thats right, if you want to steal shit from a supermarket, know this. We are watching. Sure, you might get away once, twice, maybe even three times, but you will be caught. So take note, if your being followed, or you think your being followed, just fucking stop. Drop the shit you have and just fucking piss off right out the door cause we are fucking onto you and KNOW all your fucking tactics.

THEN there is the undercover store detectives. You don't know who they are, but they all know your fucking patterns. If you think your going to get away with what your doing, then know this. Your plan isnt original, and that the store detectives have seen it before. Just drop it, and piss of and NEVER ever fucking come back or step foot in a supermarket again.

PREDICTION TIME!

When RFID tags on all products become standard, and a national database is established of known items sold/unsold. Tracking of stolen stock will become easy via GPS tracking. Future RFID tags will be microscopic, and unique to each item of stock (eg. One bottle of coke will be "different" from another bottle of coke at the same price(eg same product)).

Now lets all have a laugh at the common stupid theif.

The 101 is back! (The Falling Bottle 101)

The 101 here, back from a long time away from the computer. I have been spending my time working hard, and kicking teeth in. I hope you missed me. I hope that you have enjoyed the content that The Ninja has been putting up in my absence. So now, lets move onto my next 101. Mother fucking soft drink bottles vs register conveyor belts.

The Falling Bottle 101.

As a drinker of soft drinks (aka soda, pop), there is nothing worse than opening a bottle of cola, only to find that the desolved carbon dioxide has reached a point where it all will escape the second you open the bottle. So it is always best to not disturb the bottle as much as possible.

Now, your in a supermarket, and your loading your shopping onto the conveyor belt, what do you do when you put your bottles of cola on the belt? Do you stand them up or lay them down flat (length ways or side ways?)? Why do I ask? Well momentum has a spot in my answer.

Now if you stand the bottles up the way they are ment to stand, the will always fall over when the belt stops and starts in it jerking motion. This cause the liquid in the bottle to move around in the bottle till it falls over. This might be fine for some, and is kinda ok for one bottle. Its ok, youre stupid.

Now what will happen if your having a party? You have 10 bottles of sprite, all standing up, all packed together closely. What do you think will happen?

Well it will all fall over, and some bottle will more than likely fall off the belt and onto the floor. What do you think will happen then? Do you think it will explode open and spray everywhere? You betchya!

So how does one not have a accident with the drinks? Simple, lay the bottles down on their side. LENGTH WAYS. That means, having the bottle point in the direction of travel. If they are sitting sideways, then they will most likely just roll on the "spot" and not actuall go anywhere. Sometimes they will build up momentum and fall off the end of the belt when the belt stops, and results in a very shaken up bottle or a big fucking mess.

So in conclusion, there is only one way to put the bottles, and that is laying flat, langthways, pointing in the direction of travel. It might take up more room on the belt, but you souldn't jam pack the belt anyway. Now if you you stand you bottle up from now on, and it falls off the register and explodes over you, then you are a idiot and need to be removed from society.

I am not The Man.

It is a well known fact that I am easily annoyed, it doesn't take much. From a P-plater in a hotted up car doing 20 below in a 80 zone, when he should be doing 100 over like the the stereotype should be (fuck even the speed limit would be nice), to people that walk slowly in front of you, but you cant get around them because other people are getting in your way too.

However there is one thing that annoys me that shouldn't. Being called the Man.

Standard scenario: Im ringing up some shopping, customer has a child, the customer is of the female type.

Me: "thats (insert amount here)"

Female hands money to the child and says "Give the money to The Man"

I am not the fucking MAN, I am a man, this is true, but I am NOT THE MAN. The Tax office is the MAN, the Police force is the MAN, I am not THE MAN.

Maybe this is some kind of "training" for the child to pay "The Man" when time comes to pay "The Man". A form of brainwashing that has been passed on thru the ages. But it pisses me off.

For starters.

Its not a efficient use of time and energy. The mother should just hand me the money and be done with it. That would be the green way. However handing it to the child then having the child risk dropping the money and wasting more time is not green. More energy is wasted. Just pay and piss the fuck off so I can serve the next asshole.

The next Training scenario teaches the children to fear The Man, at my expense.

Mother: "Watch out for the Man"

The correct phrase should be "Fucking stop running around like a chicken on crack , get back here and stop running into people that could potentially flip-out like a ninja"

Telling the kids to watch out for "The Man" is probably another form of brainwashing, teaching the kids that "The Man" is near and to watch out for "The Man".

So this is where I tell you all, I am not "The Man", I am the mother fucking Ninja, and I will be killing you soon, and the man can't get me as Im better than the man. And stop teaching your children about fearing and paying off The Man.

I hate The Man, but I fucking hate being called The Man.

By the time you read this.

By the time you read this post, the promotion will be over for another 6 months. Im talking about the "Shop and Save" voucher promotion that Woolworths has.

I fucking hate it. Sure, its great to sucker more alco's into the liquor department, but the why it's done sucks bigtime.

Firstly, it fucking sucks for the frontend staff. They have to treat the vouchers like cash, yet at some stores they are left out on the bench for people who have no intention on spending $30 in the supermarket to pick up the pile, select the vouchers they want, head into liquor and rape the department of all their stock because they own a small time liquor store that sells their stuff at 10% more than what we sell it for to retarded customers.

(I want to print up some inserts that I can slide into slabs of VB telling the customers of other stores that they have bought a second hand slab that was bought from my store.)

The second reason why I fucking hate the vouchers is that the customers are fucing retarded. While doing breaks in the liquor department, I have had the following happen, on more than one occasion.

Customers who won't be given their sheet of vouchers will come in, and present the fuel voucher, thinking that its one in the same, despite that they were looking at the instore poster that shows what the vouchers look like. On that note, I have had some asshole cunt bring in a cut out copy of a voucher from the cataloge. FUCK!!

Dear Woolworths,

Make Shop and Save more simple for the consumer. Print "Sample" over the images of the vouchers in the catalogs.

Thank you,
Ninja.

Now the biggest gripe I have with the vouchers are something that you, the retarded customer can do. Prepare the voucher you would like to use BEFORE HAND. There is nothing I hate more is a slow arsed cunt that is taking forever to rip the voucher from the rest, without ripping the one they want to use in half.

Here is a fucking tip. First fold the voucher on the pre-cut lines, fold forwards, then backwards. Do all around the voucher. Then tearing will be easy. If you want to use more than one, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, do this before you come to the register!

Also, I do not WANT the ones you don't use. I will only put the in the bin. Pass them onto your friends, or stick them in the customer bins provided at the doors so some old cunt can pick it up while looking for fuel vouchers. I don't want that shit. I cant give it to another customer as they probably didn't spend $30 in the supermarket.

Oh, and its one voucher per item. Not one for many. Read the fucking conditions on the fucking back assholes. Its like clause number 4 on the petrol offer. One docket per customer. One voucher per customer, for one item per voucher.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

Its cold out there/hot in here.

It has been a while since I last posted. The 101 is still MIA, but I wish him well in his store, where ever that is. Now, onto my rant.

I FUCKING HATE THE WEATHER! I hate the fucking seasons. I hate the rain, I hate the fucking cold, and I fucking hate the mother fucking heat. Why am I so agressive towards something that I have no control over? I hear you ask. It's not actually the weather it self that is to blame. It just exists, like that fucking boil on your arse. Its the mother fucking cunts that come into a supermarket that HAVE to give all the staff a fucking WEATHER report.

Gee, I didn't notice that it was wet outside. The 20 cunts before you mentioned it, but I faied to notice.

LIKE I GIVE A FUCKING CRAP THAT IT IS RAINING. LIKE I FUCKING CARE THAT ITS 40 OUTSIDE AND YOU CAN FRY A MOTHERFUCKING EGG ON THE ROAD. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT THE WEATHER IS LIKE OUTSIDE, I WILL FUCKING FIND OUT WHEN I FINISH MY SHIFT.

Assholes.

Oh and another thing, I am aware that the coolroom in the Liquor department is cold. Woolworths is working with the manufactures to fix the problem pf cold coolrooms so you can still get ice cold beers, but at room temp. We don't need any more complaints about the cold. Your concern is noted.

ITS A FUCKING COOL ROOM! OF COURSE IT IS GOING TO BE FUCKING COLD IN THERE! WE HAVE TO WORK IN THERE, YOU DON'T. YOU HAVE THE FUCKING CHOICE TO SPEND 10 MINUTES ON END CHOOSING YOUR BEER (of which you will probably choose VB, the swill of beers). WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT ITS COLD IN THERE!

Dear Smokers. You are cunts!

Before I head into todays rant, I would like to mention that the 101 has packed up shop from Nowra and has moved down to Victoria. Geelong or somewhere like that. I couldn't work out 100% that the sms was about. Perhaps you, the internet, can understand it.

"hej nija i b in victoia now LOLZ brak has quit haha teh brumbee iz in lolz I hve no net yet waitz for dodo 2 connect n gelong iz hole dun visit SUNBURY!"

Not sure if he moved to Sunbury or Geelong. Should know more soon. Anyhow, onto the rant.

SMOKERS! You are fucking pissing me off with all your smoke and hacking up your lungs everywhere. I really hate the STENCH that comes off you when you walk up to the smoke bench asking for your PJ SUPER MILD or PJ 8's. For starters THEY ARE FUCKING NOT CALLED THAT ANY MORE, THEY ARE NOW KNOWN AS PJ FUCKING RICH OR GOLD! They no longer are known by a name that implies that they are BETTER for you than the OTHER ones. Thus the stupid names they have now. Also the MILLIGRAMS have been removed because ALL the smokes that you can buy will still KILL YOU regardless of the MILLIGRAMS.

Which brings me to the pictures, the graphic pictures, the VERY graphic pictures on the packets. YOU KNOW THE ONES. I was going to write a 30 minute essay on them, but I found a video on youtube that says it better than I can.

Now here is the point where I dish out a idle threat. However, you are going to die a long and painful death at the hands of your winnie blues, so I shall offer this peice of free advice. Please call the smokes you are now after via the correct new name, if your sending someone into the supermarket to buy them for you, tell them the right name, don't tell them to buy you the 8's or the 12's. If you end up with the 16's or 1's, its your own fault. As for the picture, you get what your fucking given. If its the first one off the shelf, its yours. As the lady in the video said, if you don't like the picture, look elsewhere.

HOWEVER THE NEXT FUCKING CUNT THAT PAYS WITH A FIST FULL OF FUCKING WARM SWEATY CHANGE AND ASKS FOR THE SMOKES IN MILLIGRAMS OR WITH THE OLD NAME WILL ONLY GET THE HIGHEST POSSIBLE VERSION THERE IS! HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR PJ FUCKING REDS MOTHER FUCKER!