It is true that plastic bags are evil and shit, but so are the green re-usable ones for sale in supermarkets. I shall list some evil facts about the green bags.
- Woolworths and Coles are pushing for customers to go green, yet still offer the plastic bags for free.
- From the checkout staff point of view, its quicker to fill a plastic bag than the green ones.
- Green bags absorb all kinds of mess.
- Green bags don't last forever.
- You need to spend at least $15 for 15 bags (average shopping load) and mix in the blue (cooler) bags for your cold items. Plastic bags are free.
There are a number of other reasons why green is evil, but that isn't really the subject of this post. This post is about the correct way for you, the customer to use the Green bag.
Rule number 1 - Know your shopping.
Do you normally do a small shopping or a large one? How many bags do you end up with? With Green bags you can fit aleast 2 times the normal amount of shopping that would normally take up 2 to 3 plastic bags (Yay Green). So if at the end of a normal shop, you normally get 6 - 9 bags, then buy 3 - 4 Green bags. Downside of being able to hold more shopping is that they become more heavy. Top tip; Buy more green bags.
Rule number 2 - Remember to bring them in to the supermarket.
Now this rule is going to go against one of the rules further down, but for the time being, will remain. If you are one of the assholes that insist on bringing your green bags into and forcing the register staff to fill them while you gas bag on your phone, remember this. BRING THE BAGS IN WITH YOU. Even if you forget, before you line up to be served, and you remember, don't put your crap up and tell the staff "Oh, I left my green bags in the car. Oh Never mind." Go and get them.
The 10 plasic bags that we end up giving you, could be better used. They could be given to asians that insist on double bags. So go to your 4 wheel drive, and get the bags. Or better yet, ask for no plastic bags, load all your crap back in to your trolley after it has been scanned, and when you wheel it all out to your baby boomer mobile, pack it all in to the bags yourself.
Which brings me to...
Rule number 3 - Pack it Yourself.
Simple really. Don't place all your bags on top of your shopping on the conveyor belt. Leave them in your trolley, and pack the bags yourself. If you find yourself clucking your tounge, pissed off that its taking too long to be served, then know this.
Its quicker for the staff to just scan.
Scan, scan, scan, scan, scan is way faster than the plastic bag version of: Scan, Scan, scan, scan, pull bag off rack open new bag, scan. It also happens to be even faster than the green bag way of: Fart around trying to get the green bag to stand, scan, fart around placing the iten in the bag, scan, fart around some more, scan, fart around now the bag is standing, scan scan scan, heave the heavy bag off the rack, and then piss fart around with the next bag.
It takes way longer. It took longer to write aswell. So, it you were to pack the bags yourself, then you would make lots of people happy.
I predict that come the day that Green bag users outweigh the plastic bag users, average serving times will double or triple to that of today. You only have yourself to blame.
Rule number 4 - Use the correct brand.
There are a number of different kinds of green bags out there. They vary in size, shape, and when the wrong ones are used at the bags' competition supermarket, serving speeds drop while the register staff deal with the alien bag. If you INSIST on ignoring RULE 3, then please use the bag you bought from Woolworths/Safeway at Woolworths/Safeway, and please use the Coles one at Coles. As for the generic ones. Burn them.
Why? Well the Woolworth/Safeway Green bags are designed for the bag racks. They are perfect in size and have a little loop that fits onto the bag rack to help keep it open. You could say that it aids in speeding up the serving time. Coles bags are smaller, and have no such feature. as as a result flop all over the place and need the aid of one hand to hold it open. Serving time is impared. This pisses off the Woolworths/Safeway staff. I am sure it pisses the Coles staff off too when you do the same to them.
As for the generic bags. These are just pure evil. They don't conform to any standard, most lack bases. Hell, the first version canvas bags from Woolworths atleast had a flat base when you opened it up, and also had loops for hooking onto bag racks. Most generic bags cost the same as the "brand" name ones, but hold less than plasic bags holding the same amount of products. These bags are worse than using a Coles bag at Woolworths. Serving time is hit harder, and they are just a pain in the arse. If you insist on using these bags, then piss off and pack it yourself scumbag.
Finally Rule number 5 - Let your bag reflect you.
Would you go out in public with your clothes covered in blood stains? With bits of onion skins hanging off your stockings? What about receipts coming out of all your pocket? No, you wouldn't Yet, when it comes to your green bags, you don't give a shit.
You know they are washable right?
If I had a dollar for every dirty, filthy bag, I have had to handle, I would be rich. Some bags even had smells so putrid that I was trying to to throw up.
If your mince beef decides to leak, and blood goes through one of your bags. Wash it. Doesn't take long. Hand washing is fine. If you have a canvas one, chuck it in with your washing. Hell you wash your skid stained underware all the time, whats wrong with a little blood?
Don't forget that it isn't fair on the 16 yearold Checkout Chick, who can clean her period soaked panties with out her hand being held. Your ment to be a adult.
Also, try to keep your bag in working order. You will mend the seat of your pants if it rips? Why not the green bag? If the loop on the Woolworth/Safeway bag breaks, stitch it back on. If the sides split, then sew it up. Simple really. They bags don't last for ever, but atleast you can make them last as long as they can. Remember that they are made in China by people that can live off that 99 cents you spent to buy the bag for a month.
And that is it for this installment. If you really are stupid and can't remember the 5 rules to Green Bags, then atleast remember rule number 3, Pack it yourself. It is probably the most enviromently friendly rule too. Cause you see, even if your thought you left your bags in your Hummer, and you told the register staff to hold the plastic, and you get to the Truck to find out you left them at home. Don't go back in for bags. Just load your junk in the trunk and go home. You will still be "saving" the enviroment.
Next time on Supermarket 101, I will teach you how to read Tickets at Woolworths/Safeway in Tickets 101a. For the Coles readers, Tickets 101b will be your post to read, that one however won't be the next post.
