Its all the rage you know.

Got the hint yet? No? Then your death is near. That noise you are about to hear is my sword slicing your body in two. Just because you are 7-21 years old, doesn't mean that you have the right to skate/ride through a supermarket.

IT IS NOT A FUCKING SKATEPARK!

If you have a skateboard/BMX bike/rollerblades, then do one of the fucking following, because you are not really that good on it anyway.

1 - Hop off you skateboard... while infront of a moving car/truck.
2 - Hop off your bike and leave it at the front of the store. If your are scared that someone will steal it, then buy a fucking padlock for it. Besides it is a peice of shit anyway. Who would want to steal it?
3 - Take your rollerblades off and carry them. No one wants to see some cunt skate around a supermarket knocking old ladies over.

Next Tony Hawk wannabe that I see pulling some gnarly moves in aisle 8 will be grinding in the mincer in the meat department. Consider this your first and last warning cunt holes.

An open letter to assorted take-aways, Corner shops, Milk-bars and any shops run by Asians or Wogs.

Dear assorted take-aways, Corner shops, Milk-bars and any shops run by Asians or Wogs.

There is a price on your heads, a price of 99cents each. I know its a bargin, and I know you will want to jack the price up to $3, but wait till the end of the fucking week.

What am I talking about?

Oh you fucking know. Every Monday, the start of a new week for specials, all you fuckers rush into Coles and Woolworths to buy up big on Coke. Currently Woolworths has 30 can cubes of Coke selling at $14. Works out to about 50 cents a can. Two of the stores I know have been sold out of Coke Zero since Tuesday, and the regular customers can't buy it because all the fucking Shops owners have come in and bought it all in the first two days.

Here is a tip from the Supermarket Ninja. If you like your head where it is, attached and on your neck, you will buy up big on your fucking Coke on the last day of the special. It will mean that regular folk can have a chance on getting some at the low price, rather than going to your crappy shop to buy it for 3 times the price. Its not like your pumping the profits into a community group or anything. You just want to see a 300% return on your investment.

That said, Community Groups can wait till Sunday aswell.

Also, fucking Olive Oil. If your a fucking wog that has a NEED to buy 20 cans of 5ltr Olive oil, then you too can wait till the last day of the special. Besides, why do you have a need for that much oil anyway? Do you fucking drink the stuff? Here is another Ninja tip. FIBER.

Now if you have a need to bulk buy shit on the first day of a special, there better be a fucking good reason, because there is a price on your heads and I plan on collecting.

Supermarket Ninja Slices your Catalogue.

Hello there, Supermarket Ninja here. The 101 has asked me to post some quick tips on how to survive the horror that is shopping at a Supermarket. Between letting the blood of teenage virgins, and assasinating people that have a bounty on their head, I plan on posting a tip each week. This week its the nightmare of junkmail, more to the point, Supermarket Catalogues.

So today is Sunday, you would have found a catalogue for your local Woolworths or Coles Supermarket in you mail box sometime this week. Maybe on Thursday, maybe even today, all depends on how much the junkmail boy wants his 3 cents per house per junkmail (in a good week, he could get like 20 whole cents for sticking paper in your box).

So you open up the Coles one to check out the specials. You notice that they have 4ltr Moro Olive Oil at a great price of $29.98. WOW!

Now if you have a death wish, you will go into Coles the day you got the catalogue to buy the oil. Make sure you take it with you so I can kill you with a thousand paper cuts when I point out to you the text on the front page that reads along the lines of:

ON SALE FROM MONDAY 14th OF MAY TILL SUNDAY 20th OF MAY

You are a idiot, and you need to die now. Just because you have the catalogue, doesn't mean it is on special yet. Don't even say that it is at home. Unless you have proof that a item is ment to be on special, and the proof has a date on it that has today within its range, don't even BOTHER to say "Can't I get it at $10.99 7 hours early?". Don't. You will only make the spirits of the old ones angry.

While on the subject of specials. If you see something you want that is cheap in the newspaper, or even a catalogue. Take proper note of where the special is from. Look for the logo for Cole, or the one for Woolworths. When you get to the supermarket, see if it matches the one on the building. Also liquorland isn't all stores that sells liquor. Liquorland belongs to Coles. Woolworths has Woolworths Liquor (or Safeway Liquor for our Mexican friends). Woolworths Liquor isn't Liquorland.

Next time while I am stalking the shadows, in Woolworths Liquor and I hear some asshole on their mobile talking to their bogan friend and mentions that they are in Liquorland, you better move quick as my next move will be my katana blade slicing effortlessly through your head till I use my ninja powers to continue my swing into your mobile phone killing your bogan buddy in the Maccas Carpark on Smith St.