It has been a while since I last posted. The 101 is still MIA, but I wish him well in his store, where ever that is. Now, onto my rant.
I FUCKING HATE THE WEATHER! I hate the fucking seasons. I hate the rain, I hate the fucking cold, and I fucking hate the mother fucking heat. Why am I so agressive towards something that I have no control over? I hear you ask. It's not actually the weather it self that is to blame. It just exists, like that fucking boil on your arse. Its the mother fucking cunts that come into a supermarket that HAVE to give all the staff a fucking WEATHER report.
Gee, I didn't notice that it was wet outside. The 20 cunts before you mentioned it, but I faied to notice.
LIKE I GIVE A FUCKING CRAP THAT IT IS RAINING. LIKE I FUCKING CARE THAT ITS 40 OUTSIDE AND YOU CAN FRY A MOTHERFUCKING EGG ON THE ROAD. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT THE WEATHER IS LIKE OUTSIDE, I WILL FUCKING FIND OUT WHEN I FINISH MY SHIFT.
Assholes.
Oh and another thing, I am aware that the coolroom in the Liquor department is cold. Woolworths is working with the manufactures to fix the problem pf cold coolrooms so you can still get ice cold beers, but at room temp. We don't need any more complaints about the cold. Your concern is noted.
ITS A FUCKING COOL ROOM! OF COURSE IT IS GOING TO BE FUCKING COLD IN THERE! WE HAVE TO WORK IN THERE, YOU DON'T. YOU HAVE THE FUCKING CHOICE TO SPEND 10 MINUTES ON END CHOOSING YOUR BEER (of which you will probably choose VB, the swill of beers). WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT ITS COLD IN THERE!
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
Dear Smokers. You are cunts!
Before I head into todays rant, I would like to mention that the 101 has packed up shop from Nowra and has moved down to Victoria. Geelong or somewhere like that. I couldn't work out 100% that the sms was about. Perhaps you, the internet, can understand it.
"hej nija i b in victoia now LOLZ brak has quit haha teh brumbee iz in lolz I hve no net yet waitz for dodo 2 connect n gelong iz hole dun visit SUNBURY!"
Not sure if he moved to Sunbury or Geelong. Should know more soon. Anyhow, onto the rant.
SMOKERS! You are fucking pissing me off with all your smoke and hacking up your lungs everywhere. I really hate the STENCH that comes off you when you walk up to the smoke bench asking for your PJ SUPER MILD or PJ 8's. For starters THEY ARE FUCKING NOT CALLED THAT ANY MORE, THEY ARE NOW KNOWN AS PJ FUCKING RICH OR GOLD! They no longer are known by a name that implies that they are BETTER for you than the OTHER ones. Thus the stupid names they have now. Also the MILLIGRAMS have been removed because ALL the smokes that you can buy will still KILL YOU regardless of the MILLIGRAMS.
Which brings me to the pictures, the graphic pictures, the VERY graphic pictures on the packets. YOU KNOW THE ONES. I was going to write a 30 minute essay on them, but I found a video on youtube that says it better than I can.
Now here is the point where I dish out a idle threat. However, you are going to die a long and painful death at the hands of your winnie blues, so I shall offer this peice of free advice. Please call the smokes you are now after via the correct new name, if your sending someone into the supermarket to buy them for you, tell them the right name, don't tell them to buy you the 8's or the 12's. If you end up with the 16's or 1's, its your own fault. As for the picture, you get what your fucking given. If its the first one off the shelf, its yours. As the lady in the video said, if you don't like the picture, look elsewhere.
HOWEVER THE NEXT FUCKING CUNT THAT PAYS WITH A FIST FULL OF FUCKING WARM SWEATY CHANGE AND ASKS FOR THE SMOKES IN MILLIGRAMS OR WITH THE OLD NAME WILL ONLY GET THE HIGHEST POSSIBLE VERSION THERE IS! HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR PJ FUCKING REDS MOTHER FUCKER!
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Can I get Two Tens? No Fuck Off!
The 101 seems to be missing in action. He wont answer his phone, or emails. Maybe he is dead or something? He will be missed, or back. Come back cunt! And answer your fucking phone!
Now that is off my chest like hair on a Metrosexual I bring to you my rant on Money!
So your a paying customer. Big fucking deal. So am I after work. I have cash, I also have a lot of coinage aswell. The joys of being a fucking Woolworths employee, you have a lot of coins. However one thing I fucking hate more is people that insist on paying the exact amount, or something that in their tiny little fucking brains, seems to be right.
EXAMPLE: Fucking cunt walks in and buys $30.75 worth of crap, he pays with 2 $20 notes. He will get $9.25 back. Doesn't sound so bad does it? Well its fucking busy and you have had to endure with assholes like him all day who after handing you the money and expecting the change of $5, 2x$2, 50cents, 20 cents and a 5 cent coin, and AFTER you type in the amount they handed you. He will then proceed to FISH through his fucking pocket for the 75 cents.
He will fish and fish and fish. He will then say that he is doing this to "make it easy for you". NEWSFLASH! It fucking WILL not fucking make it easy for me! I already have a billion 5 cent coins, I already have a million 10 cent coins, And thanks to the fucking bogan scum that came in 30 minutes ago and paid for his smokes with just 20 cent coins, I have enough of those too. WHAT FUCKING MAKES YOU THINK THAT WASTING MY TIME and that of the assholes in line behind you WILL MAKE ANYTHING EASIER? IT FUCKING WILL NOT MAKE IT EASIER!
Mark my words. Next asshole to hand me the coins after I have accepted the cash they gave me before, will only get the coins that are due and the coins they gave me. If you fucking look at me like I'm a fucking retard and why did I do that, then maybe you should look in a mirror. I am not opening the register again unless you buy something, and that would only piss me off some more.
Which brings me to...
No fucking way. If my till is closed, and you have no intention on buying something from the store, then NO. Its still fucking currency. If you need change to give to your kids, then come into the supermarket, buy them something healthy and it will work out cheaper for you. Need it for public transport, the buy a stick of gum and quit breathing in my face (actually, quit breathing). There is no way in hell I am opening my till for you. NO fucking way.
Why, you just bought some stuff and remembered that you needed the fifty changed? Ok, thats cool with me, so long as the till is still open, if its closed, then your probably are wasting my time now. Once it is closed, you are no longer a customer, you have been finished being server, and all you are now are a waste of space, so fucking move on so I can call the next cunt in the line.
This one pisses me off the most. Things that come to $x.95, or $x.90. There are some people out there that insist on paying $y.05, or $y.10.
EXAMPLE: Prick comes in and buys $9.95 worth of shit. He hands me a $20 note. This couldn't be any easier. HOWEVER the cunt will the say "Hold up, I have a 5 cent coin to make it easy for you."
NO IT FUCKING WON'T your R-TARD! Not only will you get $10.10 change now, but the hand movements for me will go from:
Take $20 -> Put $20 in its slot -> Grab $10 -> Grab 5 cents -> Hand to fucker.
TO
Take $20 and 5 cent coin -> Put $20 in its slot -> Put coin in its bin -> Grab $10 -> Grab 10 cents -> Hand to fucker.
Clearly it was easier to write and read the first one than it is the second. Not to mention quicker. Talking about speed, the example doesn't reflect the time it takes for the asshole to fish around for the coin in the first place.
So in conclusion, telling me to hold on for the coins will not make it easy for me. For you it might, but for me, it won't. I have to off load the coins. I don't need the coins, and if I did, you would know. I would be asking if you had the 5 cents or the dollar. Money is money, and if I have the money, then I don't need your sticking coins. Keep them in your pocket, or when you do go to pay, wait for me to finish reading out the total before you waste my time. Waste it in one go, not two. Fish for the coins before you hand me the notes you fucking time wasting asshole.
AND DO NOT, DO FUCKING NOT SAY, WHILE LOOKING FOR THE COINS, I COULD USE THE FUCKING BREAK. I HAVE TO WORK TWICE AS HAD TO MAKE UP THE LOST TIME YOU MADE BY INSISTING ON PAYING WITH THE COINS.
Now that is off my chest like hair on a Metrosexual I bring to you my rant on Money!
So you have coins
So your a paying customer. Big fucking deal. So am I after work. I have cash, I also have a lot of coinage aswell. The joys of being a fucking Woolworths employee, you have a lot of coins. However one thing I fucking hate more is people that insist on paying the exact amount, or something that in their tiny little fucking brains, seems to be right.
EXAMPLE: Fucking cunt walks in and buys $30.75 worth of crap, he pays with 2 $20 notes. He will get $9.25 back. Doesn't sound so bad does it? Well its fucking busy and you have had to endure with assholes like him all day who after handing you the money and expecting the change of $5, 2x$2, 50cents, 20 cents and a 5 cent coin, and AFTER you type in the amount they handed you. He will then proceed to FISH through his fucking pocket for the 75 cents.
He will fish and fish and fish. He will then say that he is doing this to "make it easy for you". NEWSFLASH! It fucking WILL not fucking make it easy for me! I already have a billion 5 cent coins, I already have a million 10 cent coins, And thanks to the fucking bogan scum that came in 30 minutes ago and paid for his smokes with just 20 cent coins, I have enough of those too. WHAT FUCKING MAKES YOU THINK THAT WASTING MY TIME and that of the assholes in line behind you WILL MAKE ANYTHING EASIER? IT FUCKING WILL NOT MAKE IT EASIER!
Mark my words. Next asshole to hand me the coins after I have accepted the cash they gave me before, will only get the coins that are due and the coins they gave me. If you fucking look at me like I'm a fucking retard and why did I do that, then maybe you should look in a mirror. I am not opening the register again unless you buy something, and that would only piss me off some more.
Which brings me to...
Can you change this?
No fucking way. If my till is closed, and you have no intention on buying something from the store, then NO. Its still fucking currency. If you need change to give to your kids, then come into the supermarket, buy them something healthy and it will work out cheaper for you. Need it for public transport, the buy a stick of gum and quit breathing in my face (actually, quit breathing). There is no way in hell I am opening my till for you. NO fucking way.
Why, you just bought some stuff and remembered that you needed the fifty changed? Ok, thats cool with me, so long as the till is still open, if its closed, then your probably are wasting my time now. Once it is closed, you are no longer a customer, you have been finished being server, and all you are now are a waste of space, so fucking move on so I can call the next cunt in the line.
$9.95
This one pisses me off the most. Things that come to $x.95, or $x.90. There are some people out there that insist on paying $y.05, or $y.10.
EXAMPLE: Prick comes in and buys $9.95 worth of shit. He hands me a $20 note. This couldn't be any easier. HOWEVER the cunt will the say "Hold up, I have a 5 cent coin to make it easy for you."
NO IT FUCKING WON'T your R-TARD! Not only will you get $10.10 change now, but the hand movements for me will go from:
Take $20 -> Put $20 in its slot -> Grab $10 -> Grab 5 cents -> Hand to fucker.
TO
Take $20 and 5 cent coin -> Put $20 in its slot -> Put coin in its bin -> Grab $10 -> Grab 10 cents -> Hand to fucker.
Clearly it was easier to write and read the first one than it is the second. Not to mention quicker. Talking about speed, the example doesn't reflect the time it takes for the asshole to fish around for the coin in the first place.
So in conclusion, telling me to hold on for the coins will not make it easy for me. For you it might, but for me, it won't. I have to off load the coins. I don't need the coins, and if I did, you would know. I would be asking if you had the 5 cents or the dollar. Money is money, and if I have the money, then I don't need your sticking coins. Keep them in your pocket, or when you do go to pay, wait for me to finish reading out the total before you waste my time. Waste it in one go, not two. Fish for the coins before you hand me the notes you fucking time wasting asshole.
AND DO NOT, DO FUCKING NOT SAY, WHILE LOOKING FOR THE COINS, I COULD USE THE FUCKING BREAK. I HAVE TO WORK TWICE AS HAD TO MAKE UP THE LOST TIME YOU MADE BY INSISTING ON PAYING WITH THE COINS.
Friday, June 22, 2007
How NOT to buy coffee 101
If you front up to my place of work and do this, you will have that jar of coffee your throwing around shoved so far up your arse you will be shitting Mochachinnos for 6 months.
However if you try it this was, I will only ask you for your autograph.
However if you do this, you will be only a inch away from death after I'm through with you.
Play nice now mother fuckers.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Its all the rage you know.
Got the hint yet? No? Then your death is near. That noise you are about to hear is my sword slicing your body in two. Just because you are 7-21 years old, doesn't mean that you have the right to skate/ride through a supermarket.
IT IS NOT A FUCKING SKATEPARK!
If you have a skateboard/BMX bike/rollerblades, then do one of the fucking following, because you are not really that good on it anyway.
1 - Hop off you skateboard... while infront of a moving car/truck.
2 - Hop off your bike and leave it at the front of the store. If your are scared that someone will steal it, then buy a fucking padlock for it. Besides it is a peice of shit anyway. Who would want to steal it?
3 - Take your rollerblades off and carry them. No one wants to see some cunt skate around a supermarket knocking old ladies over.
Next Tony Hawk wannabe that I see pulling some gnarly moves in aisle 8 will be grinding in the mincer in the meat department. Consider this your first and last warning cunt holes.
Friday, May 18, 2007
An open letter to assorted take-aways, Corner shops, Milk-bars and any shops run by Asians or Wogs.
Dear assorted take-aways, Corner shops, Milk-bars and any shops run by Asians or Wogs.
There is a price on your heads, a price of 99cents each. I know its a bargin, and I know you will want to jack the price up to $3, but wait till the end of the fucking week.
What am I talking about?
Oh you fucking know. Every Monday, the start of a new week for specials, all you fuckers rush into Coles and Woolworths to buy up big on Coke. Currently Woolworths has 30 can cubes of Coke selling at $14. Works out to about 50 cents a can. Two of the stores I know have been sold out of Coke Zero since Tuesday, and the regular customers can't buy it because all the fucking Shops owners have come in and bought it all in the first two days.
Here is a tip from the Supermarket Ninja. If you like your head where it is, attached and on your neck, you will buy up big on your fucking Coke on the last day of the special. It will mean that regular folk can have a chance on getting some at the low price, rather than going to your crappy shop to buy it for 3 times the price. Its not like your pumping the profits into a community group or anything. You just want to see a 300% return on your investment.
That said, Community Groups can wait till Sunday aswell.
Also, fucking Olive Oil. If your a fucking wog that has a NEED to buy 20 cans of 5ltr Olive oil, then you too can wait till the last day of the special. Besides, why do you have a need for that much oil anyway? Do you fucking drink the stuff? Here is another Ninja tip. FIBER.
Now if you have a need to bulk buy shit on the first day of a special, there better be a fucking good reason, because there is a price on your heads and I plan on collecting.
There is a price on your heads, a price of 99cents each. I know its a bargin, and I know you will want to jack the price up to $3, but wait till the end of the fucking week.
What am I talking about?
Oh you fucking know. Every Monday, the start of a new week for specials, all you fuckers rush into Coles and Woolworths to buy up big on Coke. Currently Woolworths has 30 can cubes of Coke selling at $14. Works out to about 50 cents a can. Two of the stores I know have been sold out of Coke Zero since Tuesday, and the regular customers can't buy it because all the fucking Shops owners have come in and bought it all in the first two days.
Here is a tip from the Supermarket Ninja. If you like your head where it is, attached and on your neck, you will buy up big on your fucking Coke on the last day of the special. It will mean that regular folk can have a chance on getting some at the low price, rather than going to your crappy shop to buy it for 3 times the price. Its not like your pumping the profits into a community group or anything. You just want to see a 300% return on your investment.
That said, Community Groups can wait till Sunday aswell.
Also, fucking Olive Oil. If your a fucking wog that has a NEED to buy 20 cans of 5ltr Olive oil, then you too can wait till the last day of the special. Besides, why do you have a need for that much oil anyway? Do you fucking drink the stuff? Here is another Ninja tip. FIBER.
Now if you have a need to bulk buy shit on the first day of a special, there better be a fucking good reason, because there is a price on your heads and I plan on collecting.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Supermarket Ninja Slices your Catalogue.
Hello there, Supermarket Ninja here. The 101 has asked me to post some quick tips on how to survive the horror that is shopping at a Supermarket. Between letting the blood of teenage virgins, and assasinating people that have a bounty on their head, I plan on posting a tip each week. This week its the nightmare of junkmail, more to the point, Supermarket Catalogues.
So today is Sunday, you would have found a catalogue for your local Woolworths or Coles Supermarket in you mail box sometime this week. Maybe on Thursday, maybe even today, all depends on how much the junkmail boy wants his 3 cents per house per junkmail (in a good week, he could get like 20 whole cents for sticking paper in your box).
So you open up the Coles one to check out the specials. You notice that they have 4ltr Moro Olive Oil at a great price of $29.98. WOW!
Now if you have a death wish, you will go into Coles the day you got the catalogue to buy the oil. Make sure you take it with you so I can kill you with a thousand paper cuts when I point out to you the text on the front page that reads along the lines of:
ON SALE FROM MONDAY 14th OF MAY TILL SUNDAY 20th OF MAY
You are a idiot, and you need to die now. Just because you have the catalogue, doesn't mean it is on special yet. Don't even say that it is at home. Unless you have proof that a item is ment to be on special, and the proof has a date on it that has today within its range, don't even BOTHER to say "Can't I get it at $10.99 7 hours early?". Don't. You will only make the spirits of the old ones angry.
While on the subject of specials. If you see something you want that is cheap in the newspaper, or even a catalogue. Take proper note of where the special is from. Look for the logo for Cole, or the one for Woolworths. When you get to the supermarket, see if it matches the one on the building. Also liquorland isn't all stores that sells liquor. Liquorland belongs to Coles. Woolworths has Woolworths Liquor (or Safeway Liquor for our Mexican friends). Woolworths Liquor isn't Liquorland.
Next time while I am stalking the shadows, in Woolworths Liquor and I hear some asshole on their mobile talking to their bogan friend and mentions that they are in Liquorland, you better move quick as my next move will be my katana blade slicing effortlessly through your head till I use my ninja powers to continue my swing into your mobile phone killing your bogan buddy in the Maccas Carpark on Smith St.
So today is Sunday, you would have found a catalogue for your local Woolworths or Coles Supermarket in you mail box sometime this week. Maybe on Thursday, maybe even today, all depends on how much the junkmail boy wants his 3 cents per house per junkmail (in a good week, he could get like 20 whole cents for sticking paper in your box).
So you open up the Coles one to check out the specials. You notice that they have 4ltr Moro Olive Oil at a great price of $29.98. WOW!
Now if you have a death wish, you will go into Coles the day you got the catalogue to buy the oil. Make sure you take it with you so I can kill you with a thousand paper cuts when I point out to you the text on the front page that reads along the lines of:
ON SALE FROM MONDAY 14th OF MAY TILL SUNDAY 20th OF MAY
You are a idiot, and you need to die now. Just because you have the catalogue, doesn't mean it is on special yet. Don't even say that it is at home. Unless you have proof that a item is ment to be on special, and the proof has a date on it that has today within its range, don't even BOTHER to say "Can't I get it at $10.99 7 hours early?". Don't. You will only make the spirits of the old ones angry.
While on the subject of specials. If you see something you want that is cheap in the newspaper, or even a catalogue. Take proper note of where the special is from. Look for the logo for Cole, or the one for Woolworths. When you get to the supermarket, see if it matches the one on the building. Also liquorland isn't all stores that sells liquor. Liquorland belongs to Coles. Woolworths has Woolworths Liquor (or Safeway Liquor for our Mexican friends). Woolworths Liquor isn't Liquorland.
Next time while I am stalking the shadows, in Woolworths Liquor and I hear some asshole on their mobile talking to their bogan friend and mentions that they are in Liquorland, you better move quick as my next move will be my katana blade slicing effortlessly through your head till I use my ninja powers to continue my swing into your mobile phone killing your bogan buddy in the Maccas Carpark on Smith St.
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